Danger of Introspection: do you know your “god”?

Which do you know better?  Your god OR your God?  I like to think, analyze and mull things over and over in my mind.  You can say that I am an introspective person.  The dictionary defines introspection as, “a reflective looking inward : an examination of one's own thoughts and feelings.”  True, there are some benefits to examining my thoughts and feelings, but most often it only gets me into trouble.

How does thinking too much get me into trouble?  When I spend my energy and make it my end goal to be fully familiar with my “god” rather than focusing on knowing my God.  It usually starts with a sin or struggle that keeps reappearing in my life.  Then as I begin to notice its frequent reappearance, I grow frustrated at my inability to change and turn.  So I make it my goal to change.  Using all of my spare moments throughout the day, I make it my passion to get to know this new sin of mine.  It’s a hunger to know why and a grasp to gain control, to discover what wrong thinking led to my wrong beliefs about God and thus resulted in the action of my sin.  But it is a hunger that is never satisfied.

Even after I identify my wrong thinking, my heart idol, and the pattern and location of temptation…I wait.  I wait for brokenness, I wait for tears and sorrow over my sin.  And I wait in fear, afraid that if tears do not fall I assume I must still have a hardened heart….so I start the process all over again, because I think I must have missed something.  You can probably imagine this process is very wearisome.  Which naturally leads to depression and a state of hopelessness.

The failure in the process of introspection is that knowledge of God is blinded by sin.  Sin by its very nature is deceitful.  The ability to fully know myself and my sin and my “god” depends upon my knowledge of God.  When I go through this depressing introspective cycle of getting aquatinted with my “god” -- with my Bible closed -- it is like I am groping in the darkness.  It is futile and leads only to weariness.[1]

The man declares, I am weary, O God; I am weary, O God, and worn out. Surely I am too stupid to be a man. I have not the understanding of a man. I have not learned wisdom, nor have I knowledge of the Holy One.  (Proverbs 30:1b-3)

In all of my introspective efforts I have failed to realize that the only way people come to God is because God draws them, no one comes to God out of human reason.  Analyzing, admiring and scrutinizing my “god” will not bring me to knowing God.  No, I need to turn from my “god” and come, look and believe in my God.  But it is not enough to replace gazing upon my “god” with gazing upon my God.  I need the Bread of Life.  Eating is necessary, I cannot just come and admire the Bread.  But to eat there must be hunger, which is an aching of the heart because it is empty.  It is food, the Bread of Life, that transforms, you must eat.[2]

So Jesus said to them, “Truly, truly, I say to you, unless you eat the flesh of the Son of Man and drink his blood, you have no life in you. Whoever feeds on my flesh and drinks my blood has eternal life, and I will raise him up on the last day. For my flesh is true food, and my blood is true drink. Whoever feeds on my flesh and drinks my blood abides in me, and I in him. As the living Father sent me, and I live because of the Father, so whoever feeds on me, he also will live because of me. ⁵⁸ This is the bread that came down from heaven, not like the bread the fathers ate, and died. Whoever feeds on this bread will live forever.”  (John 6:53-58)

I am thankful for my husband’s faithfulness to love me like Christ loves the church.  He faithfully observes and learns the way my mind works, and as a result he understands me better than I understand myself.  He sees the overwhelming burden I carry when I try to dissect my sin.  He sees the shock and surprise I have each time I fail.  And he consistently listens when I tell him time and time again the ugliness of my sin and repetitive sin patterns.  Then he patiently ministers the Word to me and reminds me of the gospel.  One of the ways he reminded me of the gospel recently was by directing me to read an article titled “Strength=Good, Weakness=Bad”, by Tim Challies.  Here are a few paragraphs:

I like to be strong. At least I like to appear strong. You do too, I think. Most of us value strength and look down on weakness. We honor those who have their lives together and regard with suspicion those who do not.

Strength = good, weakness = bad. That is our functional formula. But it is not the Lord’s. 2 Corinthians 12 says it very differently: “ ‘My grace is sufficient for you,” said the Lord, “ ‘for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”

Paul saw that weakness, not strength, was key to his ministry. He had to own his weakness so the Lord could fill him with strength. The stronger he was, the weaker the power of God would be; the weaker he was, the greater the power of God would be.

I told my husband, Allan, that the truth from 2 Corinthians 12 was so refreshing!  I said it was such a relief because it removes my burden and lifts my gaze from my “god” to my God.  Allan told me that he sees the burden I put myself under each time I sin and he reminded me that as soon as I try to fight my sin I have already lost.  Why?  Because sin has already been fought by my Savior on the cross and I have victory through His death and resurrection.

This reminder simplifies the whole process of repentance.  As I got lost in the path of introspection I made the repentance process, and the entire Christian walk, burdensome and complicated.  So this year one of my resolutions is going to be to turn and gaze upon my God and Savior.  Instead of getting lost in the introspective maze of analyzing my thoughts and feelings, I am going to open my Bible more and let the Word renew my mind.  Why?  Because next time I sin I am not going to be surprised at the ugliness of my flesh, instead I am going to see the weakness of my flesh as a blessing in disguise, because it is the vehicle, the hunger and the fuel that leads me to my Savior and the gospel.

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[1] Sermon at Grace Community Church on December 29, 2013, by Lance Quinn “Knowing God”

[2] Sermon at Grace Community Church on December 22, 2013, by John MacArthur “I Have Come Down Out of Heaven”

Does God give hugs?

Is there a specific sin that seems to reappear at different seasons of your life?  A sin that hate more than your other sins because you are frustrated at the allurement, and seemingly hold, it has over your soul.  A sin that you hate and despise because it reveals without a doubt how weak, helpless and wicked your heart is when left to itself.  This past week I have been dealing with such a sin in my own life.

Sunday morning I woke up before the rest of my family and went through the motions of getting ready for church.  I was mentally tired because I had been going in circles in my mind trying to analyze this sin.  Exhaustion had taken hold because I knew this sin, and this sin revealed my wickedness more than any other, and intellectually I knew I needed to repent (to turn from my sin and turn to Christ).  But I was frozen because although I wanted to turn from this sin, all I could see was how angry, upset, disgusted and frustrated God was that I was again dealing with this sin.  So I wiped away my tears and tried to focus on the next task at hand.

Our family arrived at church and we began dropping our boys off at their Sunday school rooms.  My older son didn’t want to go so we had a hard time dropping him off at his room.  He clung to me, embraced my leg and pleaded, “Mommy, I want to be with mommy!”  My husband graciously stepped in and helped both me and my son out.  I was thankful I had sunglasses and I put them on to hide the tears that again started to fall.  Trapped mid-way in the repentance of this ugly sin only made me yearn for someone to embrace me, to love me, and hug me despite at how wretched my heart really was.  And here my son was embracing me and I had to remove him from my leg, even though all I wanted was to hold him tight and cry.

Once our boys were checked into their respective rooms my husband and I began go up the stairs to our own adult Sunday school class.  My husband said it was particularly crowded that day so we most likely wouldn’t be able to sit together since we were a little late.  Still sulking in my sin, I wondered why we were even trying to attend church if we couldn’t even find seats?  But once we arrived in our class my husband said he’d stand in back so I could sit.  An usher found me a seat, which providentially was surrounded by three good friends.  One by one each of the friends sitting near me smiled widely, greeted me by name, and welcomed me with a hug.  For the third time that morning I began to cry again and quickly pushed away the tears as I repeated in my mind “oh please don’t hug me, I am an emotional mess and if you hug me all tears will break loose into an embarrassing episode!”  I was able to control my outward display of emotions and made it through the rest of the class.  But midway through the class I began to find myself daydreaming and wondering “Does God give hugs?”  Is that biblical? 

Finally it was time to attend the main service.  As my husband and I settled into the pew I flipped open the church bulletin and saw the title of that morning’s message, “The Passionate Pursuit of the Love of God.”  My heart lifted and I began to wonder if this message would minister to my hurting heart?  The pastor said it was adoption Sunday and his message was going to be about our adoption as children of God.  He opened by reading a letter from a man recounting his own adoption experience.  The lack of affection, loneliness, fear, and longing for love he had as a child—contrasted with the pursuit of love he received by his adopted parents, the embrace and affection he longed for he received through adoption in the declaration of his adopted parents crying out, “I want him!  I’ll take him!”

The pastor pointed out there are two different ways to view our relationship with God.  One is through justification, whereby we are justified (made righteous) through the forgiveness of sins and restoration with God.  In this view God is judge, declaring us guilty or not guilty.  The second way to view God is through adoption, whereby we are brought into a family relationship with the God of the universe.  Adoption is a family term, full of love and affection and is a majestic display of God’s love whereby we are included and drawn in.  In this view God is our “Abba” (a term of endearment, our Daddy).  My husband helped me further by telling me another way I can look at it is that justification is a one time act, it occurs once and it is finished!  But adoption is our ongoing relationship with our Savior and Lord!  Trapped in the ugliness of my sin I was fearful to turn to God because I viewed Him as judge, angry and vengeful.  Yet, He is my Abba Father longing to draw me in with His affection and love.

Tears began to fall for the fourth time that morning when I realized that God does give hugs!  The picture of the passionate pursuit of God’s love is pictured all throughout the Bible.  One picture is seen in the story of Ruth.  Ruth who is a Moabite woman, a despised and forbidden woman is pursued and drawn in by Boaz and his love for her.  Another picture is seen in the story of Hosea.  Hosea was a prophet that God told to pursue and marry a harlot, a woman who was wicked and unfaithful Hosea pursued and loved—all in order to display the passionate pursuit of the Love of God!

My spirit was lifted!  I was no longer trapped.  Instead the truth from the Word of God caused me to turn.  And when I turned I saw my Abba Father, my Savior and Lord running to me (wretched and ugly with the stains of my sin) eager to embrace me with His love.  God heard the prayer of a sinner and drew me in and embraced me with His love.  I got the hug I was looking for.

When the idol of ministry fails

It was the early hours of the morning, his alarm had gone off but he had not yet gotten out of bed to get ready for work.  I walked up to his side of the bed and work him up by telling him, “hey, I prayed for you this morning.”  His eyes not yet open, he turned over with a content smile on his face and said, “oh, thank you!”  But his smile quickly faded when I began to unload on him all of the frustrations, anger, anxiety, worries, fears and unmet expectations the fueled my prayer.  He sat up with a start when he realized my “prayer” was really a nagging, complaining wife in disguise.

This conversation occurred 2 to 3 years into our support raising process to become missionaries in the Philippines.  I can’t remember the exact numbers and stats, but after all of that time we had only about 10% of our monthly support raised.  We were both tired, frustrated and beginning to question if we should give up.  It was all too easy to compare ourselves to other missionaries and their numbers.  “So-and-so missionary raised all of their support in 1 year, oh and so did that other missionary…that must mean we are failures.”  Of course our lives and circumstances are very different than other missionaries, but all the same we’d compare and covet and wonder how our support raising stats reflected on our sanctification and holiness.  And such reflection and comparison only led us toward the spiral of despair.

But now, with only about a year’s time passing from that early morning conversation, our support levels are around 75%.  The most natural question to ask is “so, what changed?”  There have been a variety of small factors that have changed, but when it comes down to it my husband will tell you the biggest change was he repented from making ministry an idol, and then helped lead me in the correct thinking to have as his suitable helper.

Elyse Fitzpatrick, in her book Idols of the Heart, has this to say about idols:

“Idols aren’t just stone statues.  No, idols are the thoughts, desires, longings, and expectations that we worship in place of the true God.  Idols cause us to ignore the true God in search of what we think we need.” (page 23)

Idols are false gods, they are not real and they have no power to help us.  When our idols fail us that often leads us down a spiral of despair.  The result is often depression, frustration, anger and hopelessness.  The more my husband tried to please and honor the false god of ministry the more he failed. 

We thought we needed to have a certain personality in order to raise support.

We desired to raise support in a particular way, which would reflect on our righteousness.

We longed to be able to raise support in an exceptional manner, so that others would observe and praise “wow look at how the Lucianos did it!”.

We expected support raising to be easy because we were trusting in our strengths, personality and works.

But when it came down to it our strengths and personalities failed.  Not too long ago, my husband’s employer had all of it’s employees take a test to determine their strengths and abilities, to compare and analyze where they are best suited as employees.  The results of my husband’s test said, “whatever you do, don’t go into fundraising you are not suited for that line of work.”  Ha ha…. we both had a good laugh!  No wonder our stats in support raising are not impressive and nothing to boast about!

Once the idol of ministry was exposed my husband began to study the correct motivation for missions.  He’d used the opportunities that churches gave us to present our ministry to study a passage about the motivation of missions in order to change his own thinking.  The Word of God is powerful and able to change man.  My husband was reminded that God does not NEED us!  And that is exactly why his idol of ministry failed him.  We are merely redeemed sinners He uses to display His glory and power and grace. 

^“22 What if God, desiring to show his wrath and to make known his power, has endured with much patience vessels of wrath prepared for destruction, ²³ in order to make known the riches of his glory for vessels of mercy, which he has prepared beforehand for glory” (Romans 9:22-23)

Why would I take the time to explain how my husband repented?  Wouldn’t that reflect poorly on him? Aren’t I exposing his sinfulness?  Instead of boasting in his own ability, character and talent towards success in ministry he now boasts about God’s power, grace and mercy to lovingly forgive him, a sinner.  God was not obligated to change Allan’s thinking, but He did, and more than that He then calls him to service!  My husband’s motivation in missions has changed because he now can persevere during the hard times because of his knowledge of the Lord.  And it is exactly the humble leader God is using in my life, to show and demonstrate His grace to me!  I am the first hand, gracious recipient of God’s work in his life.  And because of that I am eager and willing to follow him across the globe.

Confessions of a to do list lover

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This morning the first thought that came to mind after I woke up and began reviewing the day ahead of me was, “I need lists!”  I was eager for my first free moment so I could search Pinterest for lists, charts and schedules.  Excitement and anticipation filled me up as I pondered what great things I could accomplish today by pursuing such an activity.  Specifically, I wanted to find a chore chart and a potty training chart.  If I found the perfect charts then that would reflect on what an organized and disciplined mother I am and prove that I am a good manager of our home.  If only a beautiful to-do list and schedule were on my wall, then others would see and know that I have it all under control, that I am efficient, focused and purposeful.  Those were the earliest thoughts of my day and source of my motivation to get out of bed.

But ironically, and providentially, one of the things I found during my search for the perfect chart was a link to an article written by a mom called “Confessions of a Chore Chart Dropout.”  I quickly read through the article and thought, “it’s possible to a faithful mom without a pretty chore chart?”  Such a thought stopped me in my pursuits and made me reflect and begin to think, “Why do I love charts, lists and schedules so much?  Why do they make me feel better about myself and ease my conscience?”  Then I realized that the sermon I heard on Sunday was applicable to me at this very moment.

The sermon was given by Bruce A. Ware at Community Bible Church in Vallejo, on Isaiah 6:1-13 titled Beholding the God of Merciful Holiness.  He restated a principle made by A.W. Tozer in his book Knowledge of the Holy, and it was this:

God has so made us that we instinctively, naturally, seek to become like whatever it is we esteem most highly.  More simply: we become like what we love (Ps 115:8; 135:18; Hos 9:10)

The depths of my heart are oh so often drawn to the idol of control and autonomy.  I seek to obtain all knowledge so I don’t have to depend on others and therefore can then be self-sufficient.  But such a pursuit is burdensome and wearisome because I am a sinner and I constantly fall short.  I think that is why lists and charts and schedules appeal to me so much, I can adjust the standard according to my situation and circumstances and therefore feel good when I am able to meet my goals.

But Bruce Ware preached that in order to know God we must first understand God’s transcendence before we understand His immanence.

Transcendence = Surpassing others; preeminent or supreme; completely other and self-sufficient

Immanence = nearness; remaining within; indwelling

Bruce continued…when Isaiah saw the Lord his response was “Woe is me!” (Isaiah 6:5)  He was able to clearly see his own sin because he saw the transcendence of God!  This vision appeared to Isaiah in the year that King Uzziah died.  King Uzziah was a good king of Judah, but he was struck with leprosy and died in shame.  Why?  Because he tried to perform priestly duties.  God had clear instructions, priests were to come from the line of Levi and kings were to come from the line of Judah.  King Uzziah disobedied God’s clear instruction in His Word and mixed the two. 

So this vision from Isaiah occurred at a time of great uncertainty.  Who would become king now?  And what did Isaiah see during this time of great uncertainty?  He saw a vision of a king inside the temple!  A king in the temple, isn’t that exact sin that Uzziah paid great consequences for?  How could a king perform priestly duties?  Only one person is transcendent and holy to fulfill such a vision, the great King Priest, the Lord Jesus Christ!

            I don’t have time to summarize the whole sermon (but you can listen to it here if you'd like).  But one of his main premises was this, “how do you persevere and carry out difficult ministry in a time of uncertainty?”  Answer, “willing and persevering service flows out of knowledge of God.”

            Training toddlers in using the potty correctly and consistently is difficult.  And it is common knowledge that it takes perseverance to instruct toddlers how to be faithful in common every day tasks, such as getting dressed, eating their veggies and cleaning up after themselves. But in this difficult season of motherhood with uncertainty if your daily efforts will accomplish your goals how do you persevere?  Isaiah 6 teaches that knowledge of God is the key.

            So if it is true that we become like what we pursue.  Then my pursuit of oversimplifying impossible tasks into measurable standards I can control (and always meet) reveals my love of self-righteousness and self-sufficiency.  Instead I need to turn and know my God!  He is not obligated to help me in my time of need nor am I entitled to His grace, goodness and forgiveness.  But not only is He the initiator of mercy, but His goal in showing mercy is to restore my relationship to Him and call me to usefulness and service! 

What will help me persevere through potty training and the toddler years?  Fancy lists, charts and schedules?  (Sure maybe to some extent, but they are merely a tool.)  But intimate knowledge of His forgiveness for when I fail…and knowledge of His providence over each accident…and knowledge that our actions cannot quench His steadfast love and unending mercy towards His children.  Yes!  That is the knowledge that will help me persevere through these difficult and uncertain years – knowledge that my God and Savior is transcendent to my own failures and also immanent in mercy.

Renewed Hope in 5 Minutes

(NOTE:  I originally wrote this entry last fall for a friend's blog.  But I never posted it here on my own blog.  You know what is funny?  Re-reading this post now, I can't even remember the night I talk about in this post!  ha ha....  But I do remember my husband's loving counsel.)

This morning at breakfast my husband asked me why I was crying.  “Are you sad because your old roommate had to cancel the play date you guys had planned with the kids?”  No, I was crying because of the events from last night.  It took 3 long hours to put both boys to sleep.  The fluctuating sleep habits of my two sons has to be my greatest source of anxiety, guilt, anger, envy, malice and covetousness during this season of my life.  And I was crying because I concluded last night was a failure.

Then over pancakes and coffee I proceeded to explain to my husband why I was so depressed over the events of last night.  Try as I may, I cannot get my toddler-aged son to sleep on his own.  I have read several books on sleep training your child.  I have googled and research how and why toddlers have trouble sleeping.  I have implemented and sought to keep my son on a schedule to help improve the ease of putting him to sleep.  My imagination runs wild and accuses me even more of my failure.  The standard I have set from all of the knowledge I’ve accumulated over my research on toddler sleep is that the most basic step to having a well behaved child, and thus being a good parent, is having a child that takes naps and sleeps regularly as instructed.  I did not meet the standard I set and that depressed my weary soul.

My depression this morning over pancakes and coffee, steamed from my accumulated toil of striving to sleep train my son.  I just finally gave up.  I couldn’t do it anymore.  I was tired. 

I went on and on explaining to my husband all of the factors involved that made my goal seem impossible.  My own failures, the health issues of my son, vacations and holidays interuptions, errands and outings, and much more were obstacles I couldn’t avoid in trying to sleep train your child.  Then after listening to all my sorrow my husband simply replied…

“You know there is hope.”

He said all of my efforts would be fruitful if our son was a robot.  But he is not a robot, he is a sinner.  He said my hope did not lie in getting our son to follow the advice of all of the best “mommy blogs”.  My hope is found in Jesus Christ and the gospel. 

Okay, but what does Jesus have to do with my son sleeping?

My husband said that my sin is not the failure of my son sleeping obediently on a specific schedule.  No, instead my sin was self-righteousness in trying to use my toil as means for approval before God. 

Struggle with self-righteousness is not a new to me.  This is a constant sin that entices my flesh.  I can twist and distort the most helpful and well-meaning mommy blog out there into a simple to do list that I can complete and boast about to others.  But the thing about self-righteousness is that it removes all hope outside my own efforts, talents, and abilities.  In self-righteousness there is no rest until complete obedience has been obtained.  Am I trying to perfect my own flesh (Gal. 3:3)?  If I could obtain righteousness and complete obedience through to do lists, then Christ died for no purpose (Gal 2:21)!

So if my husband is right, that hope lies in the gospel through Jesus Christ, then hope begins with repentance.  The mention of repentance to self-righteous ears sounds like yet another task and to do to complete.  I have often had the thought, “oh man I have to repent again!”  But that is the wrong view of repentance.  Rather repentance should always be a source of joy and rest because you are turning from your own failures and turning towards a merciful, forgiving, longsuffering, and loving Savior!

When you find yourself with a downcast soul over yet another failure how can you renew your hope?  In 5 minutes, you can start on the road to renewed hope by remembering these simple truths (taken from the two sermons referenced at the bottom of this post.)

·      Remember sin and guilt do not produce true repentance (Matthew 27:3). 

o   Staring at and analyzing all of the minuet details of my sin will not bring me relief. 

·      Recognize that seeing and loving Christ causes a guilt filled Christian to repent (Romans 2:4).

o   How do I look at Christ?  Instead of being intimately aware of every minuet detail of my sin I need to become intimately aware of every attribute of my Savior.

·      Realize sin is the result of a battle in the mind, our imagination (Ephesians 4).  

o   My allurement of sin won’t vanish in 5 minutes, nor within my lifetime.  But within 5 minutes I can weaken the battle of sin in my mind and renew my hope in a merciful and gentle Savior who will one day complete my salvation and bring me to heaven!

These two sermons helped me in the battle of my mind and gave me renewed hope in my Savior:

·      John MacArthur, August 19, 2012, Matthew 26-27, “Tale of Two Sorrows”

·      Bill Shannon, September 2, 2012, Ephesians 4 “Growing in Grace Through Sanctification”

My dislike of the Proverbs 31 Woman

What comes to mind when you hear the phrase “Proverbs 31 woman”?  What feelings do you experience when you hear another woman quote a portion of that chapter?  When I hear the phrase the Proverbs 31 woman what comes to mind is the women’s ministry at a local church.  She seems to be the example that most women’s ministries try to emulate.  As a result, she condemns me and reminds me that I constantly fall short of the standard.  Therefore I don’t like her and I do my best to try and avoid interaction with her, lest she expose my failures and weaknesses.

But as time passes and circumstances change I realize my foolishness and pride in how I have treated her.  I realize I need the Proverbs 31 woman, I need her wisdom and instruction.  Humbly, I realize that most of my dislike towards her has been because I have formed conclusions and judgments from observing her from afar.  Someone will make a post on their blog with “10 tips on how to make money from being a stay at home mom” and use the Proverbs 31 as their authority.  Someone else will quote how she feared the Lord, and then give an exhortation to bump up your Bible reading and prayer time.  I miss the mark on both, so why would I want to study a woman whose standard I can’t reach?

But then I realized that I have done very little to study this chapter myself.  Hearing quotes out of context it comes across as a list of do’s and don’ts.  But I know my Savior and He never gives instruction without motivation clearly explained.  And I know my Savior is merciful and kind and His yoke is easy and burden is light.  So what is there to fear?  Why not stop and study the passage myself and find out why this lady is doing all of these things?

And that is exactly what I plan to do.  As I begin to study Proverbs 31 I, Lord willing, plan to blog about the things I learn.  I haven’t been as active on my blog lately, not sure exactly why.  Part of it is because I usually have to be in a certain type of mood to write.  And that “mood” is usually distress, anxiety, worry or depression.  But I appreciate the accountability keeping a blog provides, and I can see the benefit to study Proverbs 31.  And I am sure that once I start studying this chapter it will expose sins that need to be repented, of which is sure to stir up enough turmoil in my soul to motivate me to write.

Are You Weary?

Are you weary?  I am weary.  Weary of my calling as a wife and mother.  At times, to often to count, my responsibilities seem like a heavy burden, oppressing me and exposing my failures.  In my own understanding I cannot comprehend why my godly plans and goals don’t seem to come to fruition.  After all, I am seeking good things, not evil.

In my effort to try and comprehend my situation I looked to others.  Observing the lives of others from the outside I perceived they had no struggles, so loneliness took root in my heart.  Feeling alone in my failures my mind entered into depression.  Like a downward spiral quickly gaining speed, the more I reflected and tried to comprehend my situation in my own understanding, the more spiraled. 

Then one afternoon I was going on a walk with my husband.  We were both discouraged because our sin and failures were so evident in many areas of our lives, yet we longed for obedience. Then my husband said something that stopped me in my tracks and made my heart smile.  He said, “Good thing seeing and recognizing our inadequacies is a requirement for the Christian life.”

Then I had hope.

Oh weary soul of mine, do you not know, have you not heard?!?

“But when I thought how to understand this, it seemed to me a wearisome task, until I went into the sanctuary of God.” (Psalm 73:16-17)

“Remember my affliction and my wanderings, the wormwood and the gall! My soul continually remembers it and is bowed down within me. But this I call to mind, and therefore I have hope: The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. ‘The Lord is my portion,’ says my soul, ‘therefore I will hope in him.’” (Lamentations 3:19-24)

“Those who are well have no need of a physician, but those who are sick.” (Luke 5:31)

“I do not nullify the grace of God, for if righteousness were through the law, then Christ died for no purpose.” (Galatians 5:21)

“‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.” (2 Corinthians 12:9-10)

“We rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, ⁵ and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.”  (Romans 5:3-5)

“Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.” (Matthew 11:28-30)

“Now may the God of peace himself sanctify you completely, and may your whole spirit and soul and body be kept blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ. He who calls you is faithful; he will surely do it.”  (1 Thessalonians 5:23-24)

“Before I was afflicted I went astray, but now I keep your word.” (Psalm 119:67)

My failures, inadequacies, and sin were once a burden but now they give me hope!  Christ came to save sinners and my sin reminds me of my need for a Savior!  And when I remember my Savior my soul is at rest.  A single glance at my Savior stops me from my downward spiral into despair and I once again have hope!  Such hope allows me to rejoice in my affliction and suffering.  Why?  Because it creates in me a longing, an eagerness, a thirst, a hunger, and a need for my Savior and Lord!

My favorite part of a trial is right at the very very very bottom.  When you are broken and lost in your total helplessness and then the Spirit reminds you of truth!  When I am at the spot my sin is so clearly laid against the work of Christ.  The other day I was at that spot.  I knew I needed to pray but I was too numb to pray.  My responsibilities and failures were too much.  So instead I listened to a song.  Here is that song (if you go to that link you can listen to the song for free and read the lyrics).

1. Pensive, doubting, fearful heart,
Hear what Christ the Savior says.
Every word should joy impart,
Change thy mourning into praise.
Yes, he speaks, and speaks to thee,
May he help thee to believe!
Then thou presently wilt see,
Thou hast little cause to grieve.

2. "Fear thou not, nor be ashamed,
All thy sorrows soon shall end.
I who heaven and earth have framed,
Am thy husband and thy friend.
I the High and Holy One,
Israel's GOD by all adored,
As thy Savior will be known,
Thy Redeemer and thy Lord.”

3. “For a moment I withdrew,
And thy heart was filled with pain,
But my mercies I'll renew,
Thou shalt soon rejoice again.
Though I scorn to hide my face,
Very soon my wrath shall cease.
‘Tis but for a moment's space,
Ending in eternal peace.”

4. “When my peaceful bow appears,
Painted on the watery cloud,
'Tis to dissipate thy fears,
Lest the earth should be overflowed.
'Tis an emblem too of grace,
Of my covenant love a sign.
Though the mountains leave their place,
Thou shalt be forever mine.

5. Though afflicted, tempest-tossed,
Comfortless awhile thou art,
Do not think thou canst be lost,
Thou art graven on my heart.
All thy walls I will repair,
Thou shalt be rebuilt anew,
And in thee it shall appear,
What a God of love can do.

credits

Words by John Newton, Music by Justin Smith ©2012 Justin Smith Music

from Joy Beyond The Sorrow: Indelible Grace VI,

A little peak into my woman's bible study...

I like to share little tidbits of things I am learning on my Facebook wall.  Today at Every Women's Grace (a weekly women's bible study at my church) I collected several tidbits.  Too many actually to qualify as a "tidbit", it is more like a "tidbunch"... ha ha.  So instead of trying to figure out how to squeeze it all into a Facebook post I decided I'd write a short blogpost.

Somewhere in high school I was told that no one ever has an original thought.  I am not quite sure what I believe or don't believe about that statement, but I do know that this post will NOT be an original thought.  Almost all of the following "tidbits" I am going to share came directly from today's lecture speaker at Every Women's Grace, Anna Sanders, I am just paraphrasing them.
   

• Do you ever play the "what if?" game in your mind?  Listing all of your fears, real or imaginary, and allowing the worst case scenarios of each fear or run wild in your imagination?
• The solution to stopping the endless spiral of the "what if" game is to replace your fears with trust in God by remembering God loves His people and will deliver them through His providence.
• Providence is God's intentional care for, and guidance of, His creation against all oppression.
• Hard times don't erase God's promises or His compassion.

Do you need evidence of God's intentional care and guidance of His people?  The story of Moses illustrates God's mercy, compassion, and steadfast love towards His people.  When reading of Moses' life from Exodus 1:1-2:25 the fingerprints of God's providential care is evident.  Are you struggling to take captive your wandering "what if" fears and imagination?    Do you yearn to trust God and climb up the sliding scale from fear to faith?  Then it would do you good to study the old testament and observe God's steadfast mercy and faithfulness towards an obstinate people.  For have you not read Romans 15:4 which states, "For whatever was written in former days was written for our instruction, that through endurance and through the encouragement of Scriptures we might have hope."

I hope you are as encouraged as I was by listening to the lecture linked to below.  :)

(Note: You can listen to the lecture by going to this link, look for Anna Sanders and January 9, 2013.  Give them a day or two to upload her lecture to the webpage since it's only been a couple of hours since she gave the lecture.)

What Tempts You?

Do you know the things that tempt you to turn from Christ?  Can you name the things that whisper and deceive you; which cause you to doubt that Christ is sufficient for all things in life and godliness?  And when you turn from Christ, can you identify the idols that you have constructed in His place?  I know one of mine, control.

I am tempted to turn from Christ in order that I may be in control.  For when I am in control I can then be autonomous, and thus not have to depend on someone outside of myself.  Control whispers in my ear and deceives me into thinking that if I was in control of my life then I would truly experience freedom.  Control tells me that I am good and able.  Once deceived, I then doubt God’s wisdom and goodness for not allowing me to be in control.  When control is on the throne of my heart I seek to establish myself as all knowing, instead of God.

If I am not careful to renew my mind on Scripture, several things can entice my flesh towards worshiping the idol of control.  Several of those things are: to do lists, self-discipline check-lists, and mommy blogs which focus on external are just to name a few.  Basically any obstacle that can be boiled down into several measurable, doable steps tempt me to turn from Christ and trust in myself instead.  Once enticed, I forget that I am a sinful being and my heart deceives me into thinking that my problem is primarily outside of myself and if I just do good and try hard I can overcome any outward obstacle through discipline of my behavior and actions.

Before I was saved I was a modern day Pharisee.  I was self-righteous, moral and proud.  I measured myself against others and thought I was going to heaven because I was better than others.  So perhaps my aversion toward anything involving self-discipline is an over reaction to now seeing my sin so clearly.  But this is the time of year I get a little fearful because after Christmas ends, and decorations are packed away, the thing waiting around the corner are New Year Resolutions.  And the idea of creating resolutions for myself both entice and appall me at the same time.  I do see areas of my life that are out of order.  The idea of constructing duties and tasks in order to get my body, house, finances, marriage and parenting into order is attractive.  Ultimately my love of control comes down to the idea that if I can control my circumstances then that means that the problem is outside of myself, and therefore I am not at fault.

But this year, as the days go by and January approaches I am no longer fearful.  Why?  Because I realize that my failure at self-discipline is not for lack of a day-planner, or organization chart, or strict regimen – but rather the issue is me.  My problem is not external influences.  No.  The issue is inside me – my imagination.  The battleground is not my circumstances, events, and surroundings, instead it is inside me in my heart.  My conscience informs my imagination.  Therefore I need to train my conscience with the Word of God so that the Word of God is the source of the imaginations of my heart.

You see, discipline is good.  I need discipline.  But in my sinfulness I have distorted and twisted discipline.  I have wrongly approached discipline with the understanding that I am sinless, or at least able to lessen my sinfulness through outward behavior.  When the topic of disciplining myself is brought up I am disgusted because I have forgotten my identity.  By remembering my identity as Christ as my Lord, it reminds me who I am, my weaknesses, my helplessness and my hope found in Christ alone.  It is that truth that compels me now buffet my body, to instill discipline in my life to guard me against myself in order that I might know Christ better.

(Two sermons helped me think through this topic.  You can listen to them here.  They are from John MacArthur about the art of self-discipline.  He explains why we need to be disciplined along with some tips as to how to be disciplined - but most importantly he explains the the right motivation.  I hope you are encouraged as I was to listen to them.)

What are your anxiety triggers?

What are your anxiety triggers?

Mine are plentiful.  The feeling of starting the day behind and playing catchup - constantly reacting rather than proacting to my day.  Endless days of sweats and ponytails, which seemingly scream that I don't have enough time for myself.  And an excessive whiny and needy child - just to name a few.  When I follow down this path I choose, most surely anxiety, worry, depression and guilt will follow.  I have traveled this path often and I know its every curve, pothole and rut.

When I travel this path I am not alone, my husband and kids are there with me.  My anxiety exasperates my kids.  My worry nags my husband.  And my depression and guilt robs my household of joy.

Once I recognize that I am on this wrong path, rather than turning around, I try to run faster to get out.  The faster I run the more guilt is compounded.  I wrongly assume I am on this path because of the triggers that sent me here.  "If only I can fix the triggers then I will stop traveling down this path," is the mantra I chant to myself.  I try so hard too.  "I should have.... I could have.... if only...."  I play this game of comparison, covetness and envy for each of my triggers.  Ironically the more I try to fix my circumstances the more my guilt is compounded.  I may have little victories in various areas, but ultimately I am fail and am unable to control my circumstances..  In the end I sulk in self pity because I am not all knowing, sovereign and powerful.  I am the picture of Jeremiah 17:5-6:

Thus says the Lord:
“Cursed is the man who trusts in man
    and makes flesh his strength,
    whose heart turns away from the Lord.
He is like a shrub in the desert,
    and shall not see any good come.
He shall dwell in the parched places of the wilderness,
    in an uninhabited salt land."

But there is another way.  If I truly stop to observe, when I first encounter my anxiety triggers there is another path I could have chosen.  The path of the Word of God.  Jeremiah 17: 7-8 continues in contrast:

“Blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord,
    whose trust is the Lord. 
 He is like a tree planted by water,
    that sends out its roots by the stream,
and does not fear when heat comes,
    for its leaves remain green,
and is not anxious in the year of drought,
    for it does not cease to bear fruit.”

The determining factor of which road I end up on is not the result on learning to control my triggers, but rather it lies in trusting God.  Can I really trust God that He is good in allowing the sleep techniques of my friend to work with her son and not mine?  Can I really trust God that He is wise in allowing health measures to "cure" the allergies of her son but not my own son?  

When I answer "No, I cannot trust that God," I end up running running down the path and chasing my guilt.  But when I answer "Yes, I choose to trust God," then I am freed from my circumstances and they can no longer affect my joy.

But I am sobered and realize my weakness, therefore I need road signs to help direct which road to choose, to help remind me of the folly of my ways and renew my mind of the greatness of my God.  One such sign is Ecclesiastes 7:13:

Consider the work of God:
    who can make straight what he has made crooked?

This verse is written out on a small note card and tapped inside the cabinet where my son's epi-pen, benadryl and emergency instructions are located in time of an allergic reaction.

I am forgetful and am no better than the Israelites.  Psalm 106 describes their forgetfulness

Our fathers, when they were in Egypt,
    did not consider your wondrous works;
they did not remember the abundance of your steadfast love,
    but rebelled by the sea, at the Red Sea. 

But they soon forgot his works;
    they did not wait for his counsel.

They exchanged the glory of God
    for the image of an ox that eats grass.
They forgot God, their Savior,
    who had done great things in Egypt,
Then they despised the pleasant land,
    having no faith in his promise.

They murmured in their tents,
    and did not obey the voice of the Lord.

Nevertheless, he looked upon their distress,
    when he heard their cry. 
 For their sake he remembered his covenant,
    and relented according to the abundance of his steadfast love.  

I am confident that when I trust in my God I will be able to declare with the psalmist:

But for me it is good to be near God;
    I have made the Lord God my refuge,
    that I may tell of all your works.  (Psalm 73:28) 

Pursuit of Joy: Part 2, Trevor

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The other week I made a list of what I loved about my son, Jakob.  Today I wanted to make a list of what I loved about my other son, Trevor at 13 months of age.  Growing up at Christmas time there was always an equal amount of boxes to open for me and my sister and brother.  My mom went to great lengths to make sure her love never came across as more for one child than the other.  So in similar fashion following her example, here are 10 aspects about Trevor to equal the 10 aspects I already shared about Jakob.

·      I love how he naturally snuggles into my neck, wrapping one arm around me when I carry him.

·      I love how his curiosity keeps him awake in car rides, quietly observing everything around him.

·      I love his eagerness to get down from his highchair when he sees his brother playing, not wanting to miss out on play time with his big brother.

·      I love how he looks over his shoulder when he climbs the stairs, then breaks out into uncontrollable giggles when someone pursues him.

·      I love how he smiles with his eyes.

·      I love how he knows how to play with cars because of his older brother, moving them around with his hand and making a small motor noise.

·      I love his curiosity for toys, carefully examining almost every toy he is given.

·      I love how his older brother Jakob wakes up happy when Trevor wakes him up because Trevor is near.

·      I love how the memory of his birth reminds me of the faithfulness and mercy of my Lord Jesus Christ.

·      I love how his name reminds me of my brother (middle name Nathan after my younger brother) and the deep deep love of Jesus (first name after Samuel Trevor Francis, writer of said hymn).