God's mercy in the multitude of my anxieties

Today is not my proudest day in motherhood.  It is not the day to boast about amongst other mothers and cause them to envy.  But this is the day that the Lord has made, and He is good and therefore I have much to praise Him.  I want to share my morning with you in hopes that it will encourage you and cause you to wonder in amazement at the power of His Word and the lovingkindness of His Name.

Monday morning.  The start of a new day and the beginning of a new work week gives promise and illusion that maybe things will go according to my plans and desires.  Not this morning.  My husband hadn’t even left for work yet and already I had my first emotional breakdown.  Late last night we returned from a fun-filled weekend visiting family and going to the beach.  The mundane routine of life was interrupted for two days, but now it was Monday morning and everyone was adjusting back to normalcy.  My younger son, Trevor, was sick yesterday and still needed extra attention this morning.  But all I wanted was a bowl of cereal and a cup of coffee without interruption.  I ignored him, like a self-centered junior high girl, giving him the cold shoulder and wishing for someone else to hear his cries and come get him. As he sat on the floor crying by my feet, Grandma heard from the other room and came to his rescue.  My husband then came downstairs and I confessed in tears to him my frustrations and failures as a mother.  He prayed for me and reminded me of my Savior’s mercy and urged me to think upon how God is merciful to me this morning.  He then left for work and I felt a little better.

But only a short while passed and I again was worked up and in tears.  My mom was now outside and I was holding Trevor and looking for his medicine.  When I found his medicine it was covered in ants.  I had to put Trevor down in order to wash off his medicine.  As soon as I put him down he started to cry again and crawl around my feet begging to be picked up.  My older son then came into the room with a toothbrush and toothpaste, wanting to brush his teeth.  I was overwhelmed and just wanted to attend to one thing at a time, but everything seemed to be coming at me at once.  Soon I was in tears too and yelling at my kids with all my might.  The emotions and sin building inside of me frightened me at the possibility of how I could respond.  Scared of myself, I scoped up Trevor and went running as fast as I could to find someone to hold him until I could calm down, marking my second emotional breakdown before 9am in the morning.

After Trevor went down for his morning nap and Jakob was watching Toy Story 3, I had a little time to think.  So I picked up my Bible and began reading.  Recently I began reading through The MacArthur Daily Bible and today and previous readings were from Psalm 94 and 95.

Psalm 94:17-19

Unless the Lord had been my help,
My soul would soon have settled in silence.
¹⁸ If I say, “My foot slips,”
Your mercy, O Lord, will hold me up.
¹⁹ In the multitude of my anxieties within me,
Your comforts delight my soul.

This psalm reminded me that the Lord my God is my Helper.  I could relate to the psalmist all too well this morning, for I surely did have a multitude of anxieties within me.  The word “mercy” caught my attention because Allan told me to look for God’s mercies.  This psalm also gave me hope in the midst of my anxiety.  It says that the Lord will hold me up by His mercy and bring my soul delight from His comforts!  This newfound hope gave me an eagerness to flip the page to read more.

Psalm 95:1-5

A Call to Worship and Obedience

¹ Oh come, let us sing to the Lord!
Let us shout joyfully to the Rock of our salvation.
² Let us come before His presence with thanksgiving;
Let us shout joyfully to Him with psalms.
³ For the Lord is the great God,
And the great King above all gods.
⁴ In His hand are the deep places of the earth;
The heights of the hills are His also.
⁵ The sea is His, for He made it;
And His hands formed the dry land.

Through His Word, God was at work answering my husband’s prayer and mercifully attending to my anxious soul.  As I read these first few verses from Psalm 95, verse 5 caught my attention.  The sea is the Lord’s, for He is the creator of the sea.  It reminded me of my weekend at the beach with the family.  I had just finished looking through pictures of my son’s playing by the beach and enjoying God’s creation.  God is good.  I again remembered my husband’s words to look for ways in which God is merciful. I continued to read on…

Psalm 95:6-11

⁶ Oh come, let us worship and bow down;
Let us kneel before the Lord our Maker.
⁷ For He is our God,
And we are the people of His pasture,
And the sheep of His hand.

Today, if you will hear His voice:
⁸ “Do not harden your hearts, as in the rebellion,
As in the day of trial in the wilderness,
⁹ When your fathers tested Me;
They tried Me, though they saw My work.
¹⁰ For forty years I was grieved with that generation,
And said, ‘It is a people who go astray in their hearts,
And they do not know My ways.’
¹¹ So I swore in My wrath,
‘They shall not enter My rest.’”

This psalm was urging me not to harden my heart towards my Lord when I hear His voice (spoken through His Word).  I had just read from the previous psalm that God’s mercy will hold me up in the multitude of my anxieties.  Was I now going to hardened my heart in unbelief that God would NOT be merciful towards me in my failures in motherhood this Monday morning?  

One of God’s mercies given to me through the precious blood of His Son, Jesus Christ, is the mercy of repentance.  I had the ability to repent, to turn from my sins and turn to God.  Never had I been so excited at the possibility of repenting from my sins!  I always viewed repentance as drudgery and hard work.  But these verses made me eager to repent from my sins and turn towards my merciful Lord and Savior!  In repentance I was turning from anxiety, anger and selfishness and turning towards a loving, kind and merciful God!  What great reason to rejoice!

Psalm 95:1-2

Oh come, let us sing to the Lord!
Let us shout joyfully to the Rock of our salvation.
Let us come before His presence with thanksgiving;
Let us shout joyfully to Him with psalms.

Romans 2:4

Or do you presume on the riches of his kindness and forbearance and patience, not knowing that God's kindness is meant to lead you to repentance?

And while I was basking in the wonder and riches of God’s kindness and mercy, Jakob gently looked at me and said “Mommy I gotta go poo poo.”  Returning back to the reality of motherhood, we quickly went to the potty and Jakob went poo poo in the potty for the very first time ever! (You can scroll down to see recent posts on my frustrations over potty training.)  I was so elated for joy I began to cry.  Oh the mercy of God’s timing and providence to answer my prayer for potty training at the same time of causing me to rejoice over His mercy!

Potty Training: How Motherhood Humbles Me

“Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart and you will find rest for your souls.  For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.”  Matthew 11:28-30

I have been creating standards greater than the standards God outlines in His Word.  The result?  A heavy burden and toilsome day! 

What was the heavy burden I was placing on my shoulders?  Potty training.  Jakob was showing signs that he was ready for potty training.  So just the other week I decided to try a certain potty training method.  The method I tried was very specific on the do’s and don’ts to follow for the success of this method.  It was a very intense method, which claimed if followed would produce results in days.  Several of my friends said that method worked for them.  I was excited and eager to try. 

But not too long into the method I realized it was not working for Jakob, nor was it the most ideal method to choose for our living situation.  And I realized that I was not able to follow all of the requirements of the method.  My mind soon began to wander, and my wandering thoughts created emotions in me.  “IF ONLY I was stronger and followed the method exactly!”… “IF ONLY I started potty training when he was younger and follow some of the popular elimination communication techniques.”  …  “IF ONLY I was like other moms who were able to potty train their kids in days.” … “WHAT IF Jakob doesn’t potty train for several more years, how would that reflect on my parenting?”

When you allow your mind to wander down the path of “if only’s” and “what if’s” you will only find guilt, anxiety, pride, and fear.  My mind was so far away from reality that I couldn’t think straight on the subject anymore.  I was consumed with the idea that potty training Jakob reflected on my ability as a mom.  I was lusting and craving to accomplish potty training in a hard way, because the harder the method the greater the medal I would receive to put on my wall of accomplishments as a mother.  Or so I thought.  Then I received grace.

Shortly after realizing I was failing in potty training I ran away from my boys and hide and cried for a short while.  I called my husband on the phone.  He was gracious and listened.  Later that afternoon he came home early with my favorite ice cream shake an a delicious cookie.  I thanked him for loving me so gently when I had been so unlovely in my actions.  He replied by saying that was because he had a Savior who loved him when he was unlovely.  Then he asked me more about why I was so upset.  He said, “Your standards in potty training are greater than God’s standards.”  To help me thinking more biblical he told me to try and find one biblical illustration each day from my daily life that pointed to the Truth.

The next day I was reading John 3:19-20 which says, “Light has come into the world and the people loved the darkness rather than the light because their deeds were evil.  For everyone who does wicked things hates the light and does not come to the light, lest his deeds should be exposed.”  This verse reminded me of something I had heard recently regarding repentance.  Often repentance from our sin is viewed as something undesirable and a drudgery.  That was my opinion about potty training.  I knew my standards were wrong.  I knew that the God doesn’t award people according to how quickly and efficiently they are able to potty train their child.  I knew I had to turn, to change my thinking about potty training, but I didn’t want to.  I craved the pride and praise of man I would receive.  In my mind potty training reflected my strength, my control, my discipline, my will power.  But I was in the darkness in my thinking and I did not want to repent because I knew that repentance would reveal this wrong thinking.  So I remained in the darkness.

But repentance is not a drudgery!  Not at all!  Instead repentance from our sin is rest and joy because we are turning to a gracious and loving God!  When I repented from my wrong thinking and went into the light of God’s Word I saw forgiveness and grace!  My standards were greater than God’s, and as a result I had placed a heavy burden on my shoulders.  I was trying to accomplish righteousness according to my own strength and ability. 

While frustrated with potty training I tried to reconcile the question, “how can I be content when I fail?”  And God lovingly and graciously picked me in His arms and said, “silly child, of course your strength will fail!  If you strength did not fail then I did not have to send my Son to die on the cross for you.”  (Galatians 3:1-3)

When I turned to God’s Word for light on my situation I found grace upon grace, waves of grace washing over me.  And then I was able to see a biblical illustration in the midst of potty training, just like Allan asked me to look for.  Jakob doesn’t understand why he needs to go the potty.  When he does go he is usually only seeking praise from his mother.  He takes pride in his independence, strength and ability to do it on his own, without help.  And other times he’d rather sit in his dirty diaper instead of get changed.  Oh how that is a perfect illustration of me and my sin.  I was fearful of repenting from my wrong thinking, and I’d rather sit in my dirty diaper.  But now each potty training situation is a biblical illustration and reminder of God’s forgiveness and grace.  It is a reminder that my standards are greater than God’s and my strength is weak and not strong enough to obtain righteousness.  It is a reminder of my need for a Savior.

“You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on You, because he trusts in you.”  Isaiah 26:3

Returning back to regular life after an emotional high: How Motherhood Humbles Me

This week has been vastly different from last week.  Last week I went out without husband and kids four different times, with only a purse big enough to hold a wallet and a cell phone.  This week I stayed home and didn’t leave the house for four straight days in a row.  Last week I painted my nails, did my hair and makeup, put on jewelry and wore clothes that are totally impractical and too fancy for motherhood.  This week I wore my pajamas over 50% of the time, did my hair in “do rags”, with the only accents on my face being dark circles and two matching sties.  Last week I watched my best friend get married.  This week my sons got hand, foot and mouth disease and I watched Care Bears and Cars more than a dozen times.

The day after the wedding I felt sober.  I was talking to my husband about how I was feeling and he said it was kind of like coming down from an emotional high back to regular life.  I was confused and wondered, “if my best friend married a wonderful godly man, then why am I sober and sad instead of happy and joyful?”

New love is so exciting.  Everything is new and not yet know and the discovery and anticipation is over half of the excitement.  As I watched my friend and her groom get pronounced as a husband and wife then exit the church, I saw her and the entire wedding party rejoice.  It was a wonderful moment and one that will remain in my memory for a long time.  But it also made me wonder, why does that bubbly butterfly emotion come and go over time?  Where is that bubbly emotion in the midst of diapers, sickness, laundry and cooking?

Although I am truly thankful that I got to participate in the festivities of last week, I am also glad it was only one week.  I now have several wonderful memories from my best friend’s wedding that I will treasure forever, but they are memories without my own husband in them.  He lovingly stayed at home and watched the boys so I could celebrate and enjoy the events of the wedding undistracted.  I realized his sacrifice and it humbled me.

At the end of the week I missed my husband and I longed to be with him.  But it wasn’t any butterfly bubbly emotion that compelled me to be with him, rather it was a longing for his companionship and the refreshment it offers.  And I realized that new love is good, but steadfast enduring love is even better!  The transition from last week’s festivities to this week’s normal routine of motherhood was humbling.  It was humbling to get a glimpse of the care-free life of places to go and people to see, all while feeling pretty and happy…. only to return to back to real life and realize I cannot live like that at this season of my life. 

The glimpse into last week’s festivities made me reflect on own bubbly butterfly love, which catapulted me into my relationship with my husband.  It made me examine and see if the pressures of motherhood have distracted me and caused me to treat my husband more as a roommate rather than a spouse.  But I realized that the steadfast enduring love my husband showed me last week are the actions that cause the bubbly butterfly love to take flight.  The humble, sacrificial, thoughtful actions in the midst of the regular life changes the new momentary love into steadfast enduring love.

[The picture below was taken shortly after we got married]

Naptime: How Motherhood Humbles Me

I enjoy reading blogs on my kindle fire, especially with the google reader app.  It almost feels like a modern day version of my mom’s magazines or catalogs – things she had laying around the house while we were growing up that she’d read when she had a little down time.  Something I noticed on a few of the blogs I follow is that they often have a “series”.  As my sons were falling asleep today for their naps I was thinking of a new series I could start on my own blog—how motherhood humbles me.

The idea of a series may have come from reading various blogs, but the series idea itself came from the book project I am working on (I guess that is what you’d call it).  It was about two years ago when Jakob was only a couple months old when I got an email from the MABC program at TMC.  The email was asking for students who were willing to share their testimony through a particular trial they went through.  They would then collect the various testimonies and compile them into a book.  The main premise and focus of the book is based off of 2 Corinthians 1: 4 to comfort others who are in affliction and suffering with the comfort we received in Christ through our own suffering.  I was in the middle of adjusting to motherhood and not doing well at all to say the least.  I responded to the email and said they should have a chapter on new motherhood struggles.  They replied and asked if I wanted to share my testimony.  Well fast-forward two years and the deadline for me to submit my testimony on my struggles of new motherhood is approaching at the end of this month. 

Writing my testimony has been such a blessing!  I had no idea what a blessing it would be to sit down and gather my thoughts and express concretely what I struggled with and what I learned and how God changed me through my struggles as a new mom.  It has encouraged me so much that I want to continue this exercise for myself on all trials I go through in life, to journal through my trials and record how God teaches me and changes me.  At the end of the trial it is such a beautiful testimony and encouragement to see the big picture and rejoice over what God has done in my life.

So back to the new series idea for my blog.  I thought something fun would be to record the various aspects of how motherhood humbles me.  One of the various ways I am humbled in motherhood is through naptime.  Naptime has brought out more sin in me than I ever anticipated.  I constantly battle with how to spend my time while my sons are napping.  Do I pay bills and work on finances?  Or do I sit down with a cup of coffee and surf the internet?  It brings out my expectation and perceived “right” I have to daily “me time” to focus on myself.  Thus, when the boys do not nap according to plan do I respond in self-pity and anger?  It is deceiving and gives me false ideas as to where my true rest lies.  Does it lie in a nap for myself?  It also brings out my self-righteousness.  Am I a better mom because I can “make” my sons follow a daily schedule?  Am I a failure as a mom because my son takes too long of a nap or too short of a nap or a nap at the wrong time?  And when I am lost and at the end of myself where do I turn for help and wisdom about naptime?  Do I turn to Mr. Google, online chat forums, and sleep manuals?

How humbling that all of this sin, failure and shortcomings come out from a mere little routine naptime?

Today my heart smiled when I looked at my sons napping.  Jakob had his butt in the air and his favorite blankey around his head.  They were both asleep at the same time, which is rare. Watching them both sleep put my heart at rest and made me see the big picture of motherhood and the struggles of naptime seemed so insignificant.  For that moment my mind did not spiral into overanalyzing naptime and I enjoyed watching them sleep.  Wow how such a simple activity has humbled me.