"Soul? Bless the Lord!" - A self pep talk

We have had the advantage of moving to the Philippines a few months after two other families on our team moved here.  In many ways they gave us a "heads up" in what to expect since they recently went through similar adjustments.  One piece of advice I was told was that the emotions seem to come in waves.  Some days everything seems very similar to life back home in the States, and some days everything seems so very different and foreign.  Some days are just harder than others.  And sometimes, often out of the blue, the loneliness and sadness hits.  These alternating emotions come like waves, and just yesterday a wave of loneliness hit.

It was Sunday and our family was at church.  Our oldest, Jakob, was looking forward to church all week.  For the first time he asked me if he could bring his own bible to church.  On Tuesday he sat down and wrote his name in his Bible.  On Wednesday he asked for a pen he could keep with his bible so that he could take notes just like Mommy and Daddy.  On Thursday he packed his church bag to have it ready.  On Saturday he asked for 5 coins he could take and give when they collected offering in his Sunday School room.  He was excited.

I was excited.  Going to church wasn't always something that Jakob looked forward to.  We have had many Sundays where it was an effort to get him to church.  And here he was preparing all week for church!

But when we got to church things were different.  I opened the door to his Sunday School room and it was different.  For whatever reason instead of class like he was used it, it was a joint Sunday School time with all ages together in one big room.  Things were different and Jakob was scared and didn't like it.  Both Trevor and Jakob clung to my legs.  Their regular teachers recognized them and greeted them with smiles and hugs.  But both boys didn't like the change.  They hid behind me and wouldn't let go of my legs.  Jakob was no longer excited.  When I left to join Allan and the rest of the congregation I could hear my sons crying down the hall.

I slid into the seat Allan saved for me.  I was a few minutes late and the congregation was already singing some worship songs.  The song ended and the next one was going to start.  They were going to sing "10,000 Reasons."  My heart perked up, I love that song!  Instantly many memories came flooding back about singing this song with my home church.  But then they started singing and the melody was different.  The rhythm was slower and they didn't use the drums in the same place.  My eyes teared up as the wave of loneliness crashed over my head.

Allan looked at me and he instantly could see I was struggling to keep my emotions inside.  He gave me "that glance".  You know that glance, the one that carries so much in one non-verbal cue.  And I knew what he was saying.  He was saying "how would you counsel yourself in this situation?"  A question he often likes to ask me, to get me to start talking to myself biblically rather than allowing my emotions to get carried away.

So I did.

I remembered what my friends told me before I moved, "when loneliness hits don't try to stop it, embrace it." So I pulled out my phone and started flipping through and reading the bible verses I had studied previously and saved about God as my refuge.  Verses that reminded me that I could run to Him. 

Nahum 1:7 "The Lord is good, a stronghold in the day of trouble; He knows those who take refuge in Him."

Proverbs 30:5 "Every word of God proves true; He is a shield to those who take refuge in Him."

Everything may seem different but I can take refuge in my God.

Psalm 103:14 "For He knows our frame; He remembers that we are dust"

God knows me!  He knows that I am weak and like dust.  He knows that silly and small things like the melody of a song or the change in a Sunday School room can tempt me to loose hope.  I am not alone, God knows and understands.

Hebrews 6:17-20 ^"So when God desired to show more convincingly to the heirs of the promise the unchangeable character of his purpose, he guaranteed it with an oath, so that ...we who have fled for refuge might have strong encouragement to hold fast to the hope set before us. We have this as a sure and steadfast anchor of the soul, a hope that enters into the inner place behind the curtain, where Jesus has gone as a forerunner on our behalf."

And the truth of God as my refuge is a promise that can anchor my soul.  A promise that I can hold fast to as waves of emotions crash over my head.  A promise that is guaranteed by Jesus Christ Himself!

So I read those verses over and over that morning.  I talked to my soul and reminded it of the truth of my God.  In between reading the verses I would look around me and start to feel the flooding of saddness quickly close in, but then I quickly put my head down again and held fast onto the anchor of my soul.

Psalm 103:1 "Bless the Lord, O my soul, and all that is within me, bless his holy name!"

This is not my Home

Travel. Flexibility. Furlough. All words that can describe one aspect of being a missionary.  In simple terms, one might describe a missionary as someone who left home to move overseas to start a new life. 

We arrived in the Philippines on May 1^st, and for the first two months our home was a two-bedroom condo. But that is no longer our home because we moved last week. But this is not our home either because it is the home of one of our team members who is on furlough for about a year.  So when they return to the Philippines next year we will be looking for a new home.

As a mom I was wondered what the constant moving would do to my children.  But my middle child, who is almost three, warms my heart when he quickly says, “home now!” whenever we arrive “home”.  Even when that home is the house of a host family while on the road support raising or a hotel room when taking a vacation.  He has quickly learned that home is where the family is together.

The last two months before we moved from the States, I was scared (in a sober sense of the word) at what lied ahead.  So I tried to ask various missionaries I knew, to get their perspective on life overseas.  One friend, who is no longer on the field, told me she misses it a lot and wants to go back.  That surprised me because I was thinking, “she is finally home” does she really want to return?  Then she said,

“There are so many wonderful things about living oversees as a missionary.  Some of the those things might be just directly related to not living in America…I kind of think of these things as privileges of living as a missionary.” 

And then she quoted me this verse as one that she meditated on a lot while on the mission field:

And indeed if they had been thinking of that country from which they went out, they would have had opportunity to return.  But as it is, they desire a better country, that is a heavenly one.  Therefore God is not ashamed to be called their God; for He has prepared a city for them.  Hebrews 11:15-16

When I arrived on Philippines soil on May 1^st I saw for the first time the privilege it is to be a missionary.  The privilege it is to leave home and go to another country.  And it is a privilege that makes you realize that earth really is our temporary home, and I have a better country, that is a heavenly one!

Before I viewed leaving home to move overseas as a sacrifice.  But now I agree with my friend, it truly is a privilege!

A Letter to my friend, Ann E. Buddy

Dear Ann E. Buddy,

How are you?  Can you believe its been 1 month exactly since we left the US and moved to the Philippines?  In some ways it seems like its been much longer than one month.  Its 10am in the morning here and I am still in my pj’s, and there are dirty dishes in the sink waiting for me, and cut up veggies in the fridge needing to be prepared.  But the two older boys are playing quietly (well… as quiet as to be expected) and baby Noah is napping…. so I thought now was as good time as any to sit down and write a letter to my dear friend about how we are all doing and adjusting to our new life here on the islands. :)

As I type Allan is teaching his first official class at the training center, The Expositor’s Academy (TEA).  The class he is teaching is Old Testament Survey, which goes through the whole Old Testament.  The class should last to about October.  Just earlier this week Allan and I were talking over a glass of ice cold coke (gee I really really enjoy coca cola over here!) after the boys had gone to sleep.  Allan had a smile on his face and twinkle in his eye as he told me “I can’t believe I am doing what I have always wanted to do!  I thought my Old Testament professor in seminary had the best job in the world, he just got to study and teach the Bible for a living, and now I get to do the same!”  Times like that really make me thankful that I followed my husband to the mission field.

Anyways…I know you were asking how the boys are adjusting.  I had heard that kids are flexible and that they adjust much better than you expect.  But the mother in me still was anxious and doubted and wondered how they would do with the big adjustment.  But what I heard was true for my boys, they have done great with the move!  Jakob and Trevor play in the heat and humidity like it didn’t exist, only to have a drenched head of hair afterwards…ha ha.  And with less toys and distractions they are more creative in their play too.  One new game of theirs is chasing the dust bunnies that the electric fan stirs up with giggles and glee, and another is pretending the air con is so forceful that it pushes them clear across the room.  They also seem to get along better, realizing that they are each other’s best bud.  And baby Noah has been great too!  I have decided his new theme song will be “Super Trooper” by Abba.  This past month of transition has left no room for any sort of schedule or routine for little Noah.  We have dragged him all over the city and he has done great!  No crying and just napping in arms or on the cushion of a couch.

What was the other question you asked me?  Oh yeah now I remember… “what were some of things we didn’t expect”.  In many ways I knew what to expect before we moved here.  I knew the basic flavors of Filipino dishes and food I might be served.  I knew that traffic would be heavy and congested and that it would be a source of temptation to complain.  I knew the tone and rhythm of Tagalog that would soon become the new white noise in my life.  And I knew the proper ways to hold my purse while in public.  But there were also many unexpected things. 

For me, I didn’t expect that the weather would be, well… inescapable.  I knew the weather would be extreme, but I didn’t realize I wouldn’t be able to escape it.  Yes there is AC here (or air con as they refer to it), but is not central air and it is usually only in the bedroom.  I also didn’t expect to sweat in unusual places such as my chin, which gives me a constant feeling as though I am drooling.  Ha ha…  And I didn’t expect my water bottle to smell and taste like dirty gym socks if I leave it out in the heat too long. 

For Allan, he didn’t expect to become our family’s new human garbage disposal.  With no garbage disposal on our sink, and the threat of attracting creepy crawlies with left over crumbs, Allan faithfully makes sure our plates are clean when we finish each meal.  Those little ants sure are diligent.

But something we both didn’t expect was the lack of faithful, regular, and strong internet connection.  On one hand the lack of internet makes it harder to communicate and perform regular tasks we had grown to rely on it for.  But on the other hand it has had a great benefit to our marriage in that now Allan and I talk to each other more!  Ha ha…

Can I tell you something ironically surprising?  Even though its been only a month I can already see that my biggest source of anxiety and frustration with life here is exactly the same as it was in the States!  With most of necessities of life taken care of and set up (a place to live, new bank account, new driver’s license, a car to drive, groceries stocked, etc.), at the end of each day I am a wife and a mother.  There is nothing new under the sun, even over here half way around the world.  And the struggles common to mankind are the same ones that I will encounter here (except for maybe the different of encountering them with a little more drool on my chin.)  Which leads into the last question you asked… “what is your greatest need.”  That is a tricky question.  The initial knee jerk reaction to the question is… I need reliable internet…. or I need a dry chin…or I need a liter of coke every day. Ha ha…. Or if I wanted to take the cop-out Sunday School answer, “I need Jesus”.  But something happened just the other day that made me realize my greatest need.

The other day something happened that I took the wrong way and my feelings were hurt.  Allan immediately saw that something was wrong with me.  So being an observant and dutiful husband he asked me why I was sad.  I answered him and explained the source of my woes.  But he did not understand why I would be so hurt and sided against me.  I know this scenario is a very typical between a husband and wife.  Wife looks for sympathy and support but husband does not understand, leaving wife even more upset.  Back home when something like this would happen I would get upset, walk off somewhere quiet and call you.  Ha ha…. how many times have I called you in tears knowing you’d understand and comfort me? 

But this time I lost it completely!  Even in the midst of the moment I realized my behavior was extreme but I didn’t know why.  Then it hit me.  Over here Allan is my one true friend.  He is my one friend who understands me, who knows my weaknesses, my wants, my temptations and desires.  He is my one friend who can truly say “I understand” and then embrace me for comfort.  But when this conflict arose I realized I had no other option, no other friend I could turn to.  Back home in the states there was ultimately always someone, even if not readily available, that I could turn to.  But not here.  So when the conflict arose I lost it completely, never feeling so alone, realizing for the first time what true loneliness feels like.  So what did I do?  I picked up my phone and tried to call you multiple times, but it never went through (and I later found out it was because I was dialing incorrectly).

I didn’t mean to start a pity party, I really just wanted to illustrate a point, which is how does my little husband and wife conflict relate to your question of my biggest need? Well, it has revealed that my biggest need is to learn to run to Jesus for comfort, to learn to seek embrace in the arms of my Savior, to learn to find refuge in my Lord Jesus Christ.  My biggest need is not in finding a local version of Ann E. Buddy (although that has been one of my ongoing prayer requests), but instead my biggest need is embracing those situations and circumstances that highlight my loneliness and running for refuge and comfort to my Savior and Friend, Jesus Christ.

These verses further comfort me.

Nahum 1:7 “The Lord is good, a stronghold in the day of trouble; he knows those who take refuge in him.”

John 10:14 “I am the good shepherd.  I know my own and my own know me.” 

Psalm 103:10 “He does not deal with us according to our sins, nor repay us according to our iniquities.”

I want to meditate on their truth.  I love the reminder that the Lord is good.  Surely He will pursue me with His goodness!  I also love the reminder that the Lord is my refuge, my stronghold, my protection in the day of trouble and distress.  And the best part…. these verses remind me that my God knows me!  That means I am not alone, He knows my fears, He knows my temptations, He knows my failures and weaknesses and after all that He still wants me to take refuge in Him!  J  Can you help hold me accountable to memorize them?  Next time you write can you ask me how I am doing in memorizing these verses?

Well the boys are waking up from their nap so I better wrap this up…thanks for listening friend!  I know you would have answered your phone if I was able to get my phone to work (even if it was 3am your time)…. I know that because you are a faithful friend.  But please don’t let my story of tears and loneliness worry you.  You don’t have to worry because as faithful as you have been to be there for me, I have Someone who’s name is faithful and He promises to never leave me.  So I will be a-okay.

Love, Sandi

P.S. - How is everything in your life?  Did your Uncle Sam get that job in DC?  What about Aunt Flo, has she still been getting cramps?  Please K.I.T. I love hearing from you!  Miss you!

Moving Day!

April 29^th – Moving Day

When we woke up on the morning of April 29^th Allan woke up to a fever and chills!  Our flight was scheduled to leave at 11pm from LAX and we still had several suitcases to pack.  The only thing on our agenda was pack and get to the airport on time.  I went downstairs for breakfast and my dad told me he was implementing a deadline of noon.  By noon that day we had to be packed and whatever was remaining they would clean up and take care of themselves.  At noon our family was going to sit down for a nice lunch together, then relax for the remainder of the afternoon, before we headed to the airport at 5pm.  My dad said he could help me pack while my sister and mom took the boys out for the morning.

Sending out a call for help

With Allan down and out and the tasks set before me, I decided that asking for prayer from our friends would be a beneficial and essential thing, so I put out a quick post on Facebook to our friends asking them for four specific prayer requests:

1    
     Allan’s fever and chills

2     Noah’s congestion, which causes lots of spit up

3     Traveling with young children and lots of luggage

4     Saying goodbye to my family, which was the most dreaded thing of moving

I then got to work at the task ahead, with my phone in my pocket so I could quickly capture God’s answer to these 4 prayer requests and be able to write the blog entry you have before you now.

Allan’s fever and chills

With Allan having a fever and chills that meant he wasn’t able to help pack.  Instead he took some ibuprofen and slept.

And he slept and slept…

While he was resting my dad was able to pack all of our remaining items into the suitcases we were going to take with us to the airport.

And while Dad was packing and Allan was resting, my sister and mom distracted the boys from the hustle and bustle by taking them out of the house.  One donor gave us money specifically for new toys for our boys during the move.  They were excited to be able to pick out a couple new toys.

While I was helping my dad pack our remaining items I would check on Allan from time to time.  Once Allan started to wake from his sleep he saw my face and said, “wow this is the most calm and happy I have seen you in weeks!  You are doing a great job today.”  That is a rare comment (for me to remain calm and collective during stressful times, so I knew that was also an answer to your prayers so I took a picture of my face at the moment).

The timing was perfect and God ordained.  Allan’s fever broke right before lunch.  My dad finished packing all of our remaining suitcases right before lunch as well.  This enabled our family to sit down together and enjoy the special meal my brother in law made for us.  He made homemade raviolis (pasta made from scratch too, my favorite!), and ice cream with homemade caramel and butterscotch for dessert!  Then we relaxed the remainder of the afternoon before we left the house at 5pm.

Noah’s congestion

Noah is a spitter.  He spits up a lot.  But he is what they call a “happy spitter”, meaning he is not bothered by his constant spit ups and he gains weight and has the appropriate number of wet and dirty diapers.  So there is really no concern, except for added laundry.  But Noah had a cold the day of our move and when he is congested he spits up a whole lot more!  The day of our move I realized I had packed all of his bibs!  Yikes!  But half way through the day I found a small stash that I had forgotten about, which was a blessing to have during our travels.

Your prayers didn’t stop little Noah from spitting up.

 

He spit up a lot, but since I was trying to capture it in pictures (for this blog post) it started to become comical and made me laugh.

The best memory of his spit up was during lunch when his little cousin, Payton came to smile at him.  He was leaning over and spit directly into her mouth!  Ha ha… needless to say Payton didn’t think that was too cool (only regret is I didn’t get a picture of it).  But Noah stayed true to his title as a “happy spitter” and was unaffected by it all.  I can’t quite same the same to little Payton… and the carpet in LAX… and the seats on the airplane… and my shirt.

Traveling with young children and lots of luggage

All in all, we had 8 pieces of luggage we were going to check in at the airport; and 2 car seats, 3 rolling suitcases, 1 pack in play, 1 diaper bag, 1 messenger bag, and 1 stroller we were going to take on board (or check at the gate).  Add all this to a young family of 5 with three boys age 4 and under and you have the equation before you that needed to be solved as to how to travel overseas.

We did a little research as to how to carry our bulky and heavy car seats through the air port in order to get them on board.  And we found a contraption called “Traveling Toddler”, which basically is a T-shaped strap that attached your car seat to your rolling suitcase to make it easier to pull a car seat through an airport.

A very simple device that needed just a little bit of investigation and tweaking before we were able to get it to attach.  But we got it attached and it worked great!  Here, see for yourself…

So I pulled one carry on with the attached car seat, and Allan pulled the other.  The third carry on (without an attached car seat) we put in the stroller and Allan pushed the stroller (with Jakob seated inside) with his other hand.  I carried Noah on my tummy with the Ergo baby carrier.  Our pack in play had a back pack feature so I carried that on my back.  Trevor walked on his own.  It was a bit awkward, to say the least, and I didn’t have a free hand to take a picture, but we made it.

Once on the plane, the seats we were sitting in was next to the bassinet attachment.  Basically they were the seats by the bulkhead.  So since there was a little additional room, they make it that a bassinet can be attached for those traveling with infants.  Our table in front of us was triple the size of a regular table and it came with straps.  Once in flight the flight attendants brought us a bassinet (more of a box with a cushion) that they straped to the table.  And presto!  Noah had his own bed. Noah slept the most, but we all got in at least 6 hours of sleep which was nice.

Once we landed in the Manila airport we had to collected all of our 8 check in luggage in addition to our carry ons by ourselves. In LAX we had the benefit of family to help us carry luggage and watch kids as we checked it all in.  But in Manila we had to gather it all on our own, as non ticketed customers are not allowed inside.  But as soon as we stepped into the airport, there were two employees ready to help us to the baggage claim.  And once in the baggage claim there were two new employees ready to help gather our check in luggage and load them all onto a large cart. 

While Allan and the other two men collected our stuff I watched the three boys.  Noah strapped to my tummy and the other two in the stroller. Allan then wheeled the cart out the airport to our friends (Sean, Vincent and Erwin) waiting for us at the curb!

Saying Goodbye to Family

My number one most dreaded part about moving overseas was saying goodbye to family.  It was hard and I did cry.  Waiting in line and going through the turn-styles to check in our luggage at LAX I recognized a very familiar feeling -- the feeling of being in labor and about to give birth.  Specifically that feeling you get when you transition from the first stage of labor to the second stage of active labor. 

I realize not all of you have given birth before (nor are all of you biologically equipped to do so) but basically it is this sudden overwhelming feeling that you are out of control and you feel like you can’t handle it and you want it to all stop (but obviously it can’t or won’t).  It is such a common feeling that in birthing labor books they list it as a sign that the baby will arrive very soon.  I obviously wanted to go to the Philippines (and I would arrive very soon) but in that moment I wanted it to all stop, I wanted to change my mind but I couldn’t.  The same way as giving birth with the outcome a precious newborn baby, I knew it was a blessing and privilege to go overseas but all I could see was the immediate.

 

After we checked in all our luggage the next step was to say goodbye and enter the “flyers only” zone.  We kept it short.  But one thing I needed to know and hear for myself was “it’s okay”.  I wanted to hear my family tell me it was okay to leave them. That is was okay to take their grandkids away from them overseas.  So I asked them through my tears and in their embrace “please tell me its okay, I need to hear its okay to go!”  And they affirmed me that it was.  Hearing those words were comforting and helped dry my tears and enable me to wave goodbye and walk towards the plane.

Now what?

 We have been living here in the Philippines for 1 week so far.  Most of that week has been filled with unpacking and adjusting to life and setting up our new home.  There has been logistical things we needed to do, like finish the process for my visa, apply for driver licenses and set up a new bank account – as well as practically things to do such as unpack and figure out how to keep our food away from ants and wait for our bodies to adjust to the humid tropical climate.  Still waiting on that last one.  But having the sweatiest head in the room does have its perks, as they usually will point the fan at that person.

If you have a facebook account and we are not yet friends, send me a friend request because this first month I am trying to post each day one new thing we’ve encountered about adjusting to life here.

Thank you for your prayers!  God indeed was more than faithful to answer!