Sandi's Salvation Testimony

The Testimony of God’s Grace
In the Life of Sandra Jean Alderman


BACKGROUND/FAMILY

All the ways of a man are pure in his own eyes, but the LORD weighs the spirit. Proverbs 16:2

I grew up in a Christian family. I was a good and moral kid and have always gone to church as long as I can remember. When I was 6 years old my Sunday School teacher had us bow our heads and raise our hands if we hadn’t yet asked Jesus into our hearts. I hadn’t done that yet so I raised my hand. I stayed after class and my teacher had me repeat a prayer to ask Jesus into my heart. She then gave me a small card that outlined the gospel and had me sign and date it. I kept that card for many many years following that day.
Growing up I always strived to meet the approval and satisfaction of others. I wanted to be a good kid so I did all of my schoolwork. I wanted to be a good daughter so I sought to obey my parents. I never questioned my standing before God, as reassurance I would remember back to the day when I was 6 and the prayer I prayed and it would assure me I was saved. But, every now and then I would go over in my mind just to make sure. I believed in Jesus, check. I believe that He died on the cross for my sins, check. I asked Jesus into my heart, check. I have a personal relationship with Him, check. I am a good person and seek to be obedient, check. I go to church, check. I read my Bible, check. I am a sinner, uhhhh?? That last one always stumped me. I knew I must have been a sinner because the Bible told be that “all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God” (Rom 3:23). But for the life of me I didn’t see my sin. I didn’t do drugs, I didn’t smoke, I didn’t drink, I didn’t cheat, I didn’t lie. The mere fact that I thought that I wasn’t a sinner, I was sure that was probably sin, so I chalked that up for my sin category.


SCHOOL YEARS

Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! For you are like whitewashed tombs, which outwardly appear beautiful, but within are full of dead people’s bones and all uncleanness. So you also outwardly appear righteous to others, but within you are full of hypocrisy and lawlessness. Matthew 23:27-28

As the years passed and I went through elementary school, junior high school, and high school I kept my trust in the small piece of paper I signed when I was 6 years old. Every now and then I wondered if I was truly saved. But I thought, “No I must be saved because I believed in Jesus and asked him into my heart.” I wondered what it meant to “believe” in Jesus. But I quickly pushed any and all doubt aside by assuring myself that I believed that Columbus sailed the ocean blue in 1492, and I also believed that Jesus died on a cross for my sins – I must be okay.
My satisfaction came from man. I sought to please man and gain respect and praise for my goodness and obedience. Because my happiness came from man, my happiness depended upon the praise of others. Soon I desired to be in a relationship and receive the praise and admiration of a guy, a boyfriend. That desire became my focus. My emotions would rise and they would fall depending upon which guy did or did not recognize or pay attention to me. I focused my efforts in satisfying those desires. As a result I compromised my moral Christian standards several times during my late high school and early college years. After I compromised, there was no way to deceive myself any longer that I wasn’t a sinner. My desire and lust for satisfaction and the approval of man was clearly evident. But I didn’t worry about it too much and quickly pushed aside all guilt and doubt, I was glad to finally have something to put in my last category of Christianity, “I was a sinner”. But I still kept up the deception of my heart by explaining and justifying that my new found sin “wasn’t that bad”, technically I didn’t cross this line and I didn’t cross that line, plus no one really knows anyways, so I am fine. I’m a good person, I am better than most people.

COLLEGE/TURNING POINT
Then the Lord answered Job out of the whirlwind and said: ‘Who is this that darkens counsel by words without knowledge? Dress for action like a man; I will question you, and you make it known to me. Where were you when I laid the foundation of the earth? Tell me if you have understanding. Who determined its measurements – surely you know! Or who stretched the line upon it?’ Job 38:1-5

When time for college came I began attending a local community college, College of the Canyons. I soon found a guy to focus my desires and longings on and to satisfy my need for a boyfriend. He attended a bible study on campus during the week and went to Grace Community Church. When he heard that I was a Christian he invited me to join him at bible study and church. I quickly and eagerly accepted, finally a date with the guy I desired! This was great, not only would this satisfy my longing for the attention I so desperately wanted from a guy, it would also fill another category of my Christianity, “involvement with a youth group”. I soon became involved in both the bible study and church. Not long after I started going to bible study, they started studying the topic of election. I had never heard of election before and I didn’t know what it was. When I learned that election means that God is sovereign, in control of all things, and vastly holy; and that man is wretched, depraved and there is no goodness in him at all I got angry! What do you mean man is basically evil and the nature of man sinful?! Isn’t man basically good and some just aren’t as good as others? After all, I believed that all man was basically good and I was just a privileged one for being better than most people in that category. But, the truths of election, God’s sovereignty, man’s depravity and sin nature quickly and totally destroyed my own categories and standard of Christianity. If this was true this would mean that I am not saved! No one ever confronted me or questioned me about my salvation, but the truths of God’s Word were clear and my prideful heart was angry because God’s truth torn down my idol for perfection and satisfaction from man. These truths meant God was the center of the Gospel, not me.
Around this time I entered into my first official relationship with a guy. I was excited that my goal and desire was finally reached and I now had an official boyfriend for the first time. This relationship allowed me to finally act upon all my desires and longings over the years. But it soon became clearly obvious that this relationship was not pleasing to God and I was in rebellion and sin against God. I am not sure if my salvation was right before this relationship, during this relationship or right after this relationship. What is clear though is that during those several months surrounding that relationship my heart was changed. My motive was no longer to fulfill the boxes of my mental Christian checklist, instead it was to hear and learn more about the Bible. My desire was no longer to be with a guy or in a relationship, but rather to hear God’s Word and to grow in the church body. God had changed my heart through His Word and had revealed my pride and false idols I had set up and served.

SANCTIFICATION

Then turning to the woman [Jesus] said to Simon, ‘Do you see this woman? I entered your house; you gave me no water for my feet, but she has wet my feet with her tears and wiped them with her hair. You gave me no kiss, but from the time I came in she has not ceased to kiss my feet. You did not anoint my head with oil, but she has anointed my feet with ointment. Therefore I tell you, her sins, which are many, are forgiven - for she loved much. But he who is forgiven little, loves little.’ Luke 7:44-47

Ever since my salvation God has continued to be faithful and gracious to reveal the utter wretchedness of my heart to me. At times I have become confused, why is my sin soooo apparent to me now that I am saved? Before when I was lost I couldn’t see my sin at all, years upon years I couldn’t see my sinfulness, but now that I am saved my eyes are opened, and I sin and fall short all the time of God’s perfection. I am vastly inadequate to live up to my previous idol of perfection. The above verses, Luke 7:44-47, had confused me and saddened me before I was saved and I didn’t like to read them. In my deceitful pride, I thought that I was the one who had been forgiven of little, thus, my capacity to love God was little. This saddened me. But God was gracious and kind to reveal to me my wrong and prideful thinking in understanding these verses.
Shortly after my current boyfriend, Allan Luciano, and I started dating he shared with me that Luke 7:44-47 was the very passage that was preached the night when he was saved. I then shared with him some of the sins in my life before I was saved. He then responded by giving me a card the next day. In the card he said that I had never been more beautiful to him than I was the night before when I shared with him my sins, and then he quoted Luke 7:44-47 and explained that it was obvious and clear that God has been gracious to me. He said I was beautiful because through God revealing my sins to me, and me turning from them, God was glorified. He said it was clear that I love much because I have been forgiven much. Those same wretched sins I shared with him and that put me into my category of “sinner”, were the very sins that I had been forgiven of. The understanding of this passage gave me great joy and continues to do so to this day. It is not those who outwardly strive for perfection and goodness that earn favor before God. No! It is those who’s sins are revealed to them when they are utterly broken before a holy and perfect God, who realize their utter wretchedness when God looks upon them with any favor.
“Therefore say to the house of Israel, Thus says the Lord GOD: It is not for your sake, O house of Israel, that I am about to act, but for the sake of my holy name, which you have profaned among the nations to which you came. And I will vindicate the holiness of my great name, which has been profaned among the nations, and which you have profaned among them. And the nations will know that I am the LORD, declares the Lord GOD, when through you I vindicate my holiness before their eyes. I will take you from the nations and gather you from all the countries and bring you into your own land. I will sprinkle clean water on you, and you shall be clean from all your uncleannesses, and from all your idols I will cleanse you. And I will give you a new heart, and a new spirit I will put within you. And I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh. And I will put my Spirit within you, and cause you to walk in my statutes and be careful to obey my rules. You shall dwell in the land that I gave to your fathers, and you shall be my people, and I will be your God. And I will deliver you from all your uncleannesses. And I will summon the grain and make it abundant and lay no famine upon you. I will make the fruit of the tree and the increase of the field abundant, that you may never again suffer the disgrace of famine among the nations. Then you will remember your evil ways, and your deeds that were not good, and you will loathe yourselves for your iniquities and your abominations. It is not for your sake that I will act, declares the Lord GOD; let that be known to you. Be ashamed and confounded for your ways, O house of Israel. Ezekiel 36:22-32

The continued years of sanctification after my salvation in my early college years are time and time again a testimony of God’s faithfulness in my life to bring people, events, and situations into my life to perfect, shape, and mold me more into Christ’s image. God is loving in His discipline to reveal the sin in my life, time and time again. It is His goodness to mercifully show me my sin and it is His grace and patience not to punish me for my sin. As the sanctification process continues in my life I am more and more joyful at the sin that is revealed. Sometimes I loose my focus of the cross and I wonder why sin is still in my life, but then I am reminded of the cross and who God is and then become thankful for the reminder and revealing that the very sin that brings me anguish and burden in life is a reminder that my own strength and arm cannot save me! It is the Lord Jesus Christ who saves! It is for that I am thankful for the revealing of sin in my life, so that I am able to turn from it and thus be more conformed into the image of my Lord and Savior.
The idol of pride, self-centerness, and man-pleasing plagued my life for so many years. Even now it is a temptation of mine to compare myself to others in order that I may pride myself in my own work and accomplishments. This often becomes a source of frustration, anger, jealously, and discontentness that only leads to emotional outbursts of depression and anxiety in my life. I strive to remind myself not to entangle myself again with the sins that enslaved me before I was saved, but instead remember that I have been set free. It is only through the Scriptures and the grace of God that I am able to overcome sin. It is now my desire and my aim to die to myself daily. To die to my sins, my wants, my expectations and my desires. Not only to die to the obvious sins in my life, but also to die to my preferences in order that I may prefer others It is my desire to remove my focus from the temporal things of this fallen world that can never satisfy, and to instead place my focus on the eternal. To remind myself of the hope of my salvation, which is the inheritance of my salvation. It is the remembrance of my salvation and the focus on my hope that brings me joy – which is knowing that God will glorify His name and He acts within my life so that His name is glorified.