[NOTE: I wrote up this testimony for a project about comforting others in suffering (2 Cor. 1 principle). It is lengthy (approx 20 pages double-spaced typed), but I thought I would post it here since many of my readers have read my struggles in motherhood and might enjoy reading the whole story.]
Sandra Luciano’s Testimony on Struggles of
New Motherhood
INTRODUCTION
It
was a Sunday afternoon and my husband, Allan, and myself were driving home from
church. I do not remember which
one of us brought it up, but the conversation turned to the sermon we heard
that morning. Our pastor taught
from Psalm 127 where it states that children are a blessing from the Lord. It did not take us both long to decide
that if children were a blessing from the Lord then let us not hinder Him from
blessing us. The rest of the car
ride home I was excited. Allan was
graduating from seminary in a few short weeks and we were going to start trying
to have a baby! Everything seemed
perfect.
Little
did I realize during that car ride that the arrival of my first child would not
go according to my plans and many of my expectations would not be met. But just because things did not go
according to my will does not mean things did not go according to God’s
will. The testimony of my transition
into motherhood is a story of God’s faithfulness to shower His children with
goodness and mercy. Psalm 23:6
says, “Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my
life” (emphasis mine). This verse
promises that goodness and mercy will pursue me like a lion every day of my
life. My testimony is God’s pursuit
to teach me this truth during my transition into motherhood.
If
I had to summarize the one truth I learned about God’s character through my
trial of new motherhood it would be “God loves mercy.” From the pulpit my pastor asked, “Do
you want to know if God loves mercy? Then read Psalm 107.”
Psalm 107 illustrates that we are not slaves to our circumstances. Though expectations failed, plans went unmet,
and my situation would be hard during my transition into motherhood, Psalm 107
teaches that I was not hopeless.
How
do you cultivate a heart of thankfulness amidst suffering?[1] Psalm 107 uses four different illustrations
to show that the misery of our sin, the mercy of our God, and the magnitude of
our deliverance work together to create a heart of thankfulness amidst hard
times. In each of these
illustrations the circumstances were hard and the people were suffering as a
result. Each illustration starts
out showing man’s desperation without Christ, which is the result of his
darkened understanding and futile mind.
I was suffering as the result of the misery of my sin and I was
desperate.
All of our hope begins at mercy. “Then they cried to the Lord in their
trouble, and he delivered them from their distress” (Psalm 107: 6, 13, 19, 28).
Our merciful God comes to the help
of the helpless. God was faithful
to deliver me from the misery of my sin.
The secret to cultivating a heart of thankfulness amidst
suffering is by remembering the cross and the gospel. “Let them thank the Lord
for his steadfast love, for his wondrous works to the children of men” (Psalm
107:8, 15, 21, 31)! The magnitude
of our deliverance frees us from becoming a slave to our circumstances and
allows us to give thanks in the middle of trials. God showed me the misery of my sin contrasted against His own
mercy, which enabled me to give thanks to the Lord in the middle of my own
trial.
Through my story I hope you see the power of God
manifested in my weakness (2 Corinthians 12:9). God is faithful to rescue His own. I can trust this God who is not only mighty but also
gentle. “Behold, the Lord God
comes with might, and his arm rules for him; behold, his reward is with him and
his recompense before him. He will
tend his flock like a shepherd; he will gather the lambs in his arm; he will
carry them in his bosom, and gently lead those that are with young” (Isaiah
40:10-11). Through my suffering I
learned that my mighty and powerful Lord gathered me in His arms and gently led
me at a time when I was helpless and desperate without Him. Here is the story of the hope that
God’s mercy brought me in the midst of my suffering.
MISERY OF MY SIN
JAKOB’S BIRTH
Mere moments had
passed since I had given birth to our first child. As I laid there reflecting on the past several months leading
up to that exact moment anger, guilt, and jealousy invaded my thoughts. All of
the material I read about giving birth promised me that I would receive
something exactly opposite than I was experiencing. I had invested much of my time and energy into having a very
particular birth experience. There
were 12 points in the birth plan I submitted to the hospital and only 2 of the
12 happened! All of the proper
channels were followed, so why didn’t it go according to my plan? Guilt overcame me because I had asked
for an epidural. My guilt quickly
led to jealously as I learned that only hours before my good friend gave birth
to her first child in the exact same hospital without medication. Instead of thankfulness and praise to
God for the blessing of a newly arrived child I dwelled on anger, guilt and
jealously. Sadness and fatigue
soon followed which shattered my romantic expectations.
The involuntary
motherly love emotion which is alluded to at baby showers and in Hallmark cards
was nowhere in sight. I was
expecting some sort of supernatural feeling to overcome me when I met my baby
for the first time; a bosom bursting at the seams with the best mixture of
positive emotions possible.
Instead I seemed to be spiraling deeper into despair.
SPIRALING INTO
DESPAIR – THE TWO TREE MODEL
The
desires of my heart need to be examined in order to biblically understand why I
did not respond in thanksgiving and praise to God at the arrival of my first
child. During my biblical
counseling training I was taught a useful tool to help identify the idols of
the heart, which is called the Two Tree Model (adapted from
How People Change by Timothy Lane and Paul Tripp, p. 97.). In
this illustration there is a sun at the top middle of the page. This is the heat source in one’s life,
which includes all of the circumstances and events that one wants relief from. The sun then bears down on two different
seeds in the ground. Depending
upon what the seed is will determine what kind of tree, a good tree or a bad
tree, will grow and bear fruit.
The gospel stands between the two trees giving hope and enabling one to
change from a bad tree to a good tree.
In my situation my
heat source were my unmet expectations in the labor, delivery and arrival of my
first child. The heat source
itself does not indicate how one will respond but rather it is one’s response
to the heat that reveals what is reigning in the heart.
The heat source
bears down on the seed buried in the ground and it grows into a root. Based upon what the root is will
determine what will grow and blossom as a result of the heat on the seed. To help determine what is reigning in
one’s heart, one needs to complete the following phrase, “I want and/or need
___________.” The answer to this
short question may reveal an idol we have set up and served in the place of
God.
When the idol we
serve fails then we respond in sin and the exhibition of deeds of the flesh. This is what occurs on the bad
tree. But there is hope. The power of the gospel and the mercy
of God can change one’s heart.
When the idols of our heart are removed and Christ rightly takes His
place on the throne, then the result is growth of good fruit. This illustration helps us examine what
is reigning on our heart in order to clearly see what needs to change so that
we can go from being a bad tree to a good tree.
Control was
reigning in my heart. I wanted and
needed control over my unmet circumstances. As the heat of my circumstances beat down on my idol of
control the result was the growth and blossom of deeds of the flesh. My circumstances were not causing me to
sin, but rather they were revealing the idol I had already set up and was
worshiping in the place of God.
As my heart idol
of control was fueled several deeds of the flesh began to appear and bear fruit
in my life. Fear, anxiety, guilt,
jealousy, covetness, and unbelief in God and His Word are just a few of the
sins that blossomed into bad fruit on my tree (Matthew 12:33-35). I knew that I was not responding
rightly to my circumstances. But
at the time I was blind to the idol reigning in my heart. During the first few weeks after the
birth of my first child, God revealed the idol I had set up in my heart,
showing me the misery of my sin and desperation without Christ on the throne of
my heart.
FIRST FEW WEEKS
The world
understands this struggle in transitioning to motherhood and they call it postpartum
blues and/or depression. I was
never properly diagnosed with postpartum depression but I experienced all of
the symptoms. Postpartum blues is
defined as “a transient condition characterized by mild, and often rapid, mood
swings from elation to sadness, irritability, anxiety, decreased concentration,
insomnia, tearfulness, and crying spells.”[2] The reported
prevalence of the postpartum blues ranges from forty to eighty percent of
postpartum women[3]—which
means that this struggle is very common. The onset of symptoms is “generally
within two to three days of delivery. Symptoms typically peak on the fifth
postpartum day and resolve within two weeks.”[4] In contrast, for a woman to be
diagnosed with postpartum depression, she would have to experience depressive
symptoms almost every day for at least
two weeks. If the symptoms resolve within
two weeks, it would be assumed that the new mother had experienced the
postpartum blues, rather than depression.[5]
Man is made up of body and soul, which is often referred
to as our inner and outer man. The
woman who is struggling with depression after having a baby needs to take into
account her outer man, her body.
Adjusting hormones, lack of sleep, physical healing and pain medications
are just a few of the factors that can contribute to a woman’s struggle with
depression after having a baby.
Some helpful and wise advice I received from a friend, mentor, and
mother of five was to take the pain medications prescribed by my doctor and
sleep whenever the baby slept.
When I followed this simple advice my husband noticed my thoughts were
clearer and my emotions more stable.
At times when I got really worked up, overwhelmed and depressed the
first request from my husband was to stop and take a nap then reevaluate my
concerns after I was rested.
When I recognize sins in my life it is a red flag and
warning that there is an underlying idol fueling their fruition. The display of deeds of the flesh in my
life brings to mind the Two Tree Model that I was taught. Two of the larger bad fruits on my tree
were comparison to others and loss of independence. When I compared myself to other moms who had the life that I
wanted, envy and jealous would appear.
Furthermore, moms who did not appear to struggle like me brought out malice
from my heart, as I secretly desired for them to suffer just like me. Comparison to others also brought out
covetness. I coveted sidewalks to
push a stroller on, a second car to transport in, a neighborhood to befriend
other moms, a bigger living space to escape the cries of the baby, and baby formula
to free me from breastfeeding.
The other large bad fruit on my tree was loss of
independence. I was self-focused
and lacked a servant’s mindset towards others. My new duties and responsibilities threatened my
independence and forced me to put others before my wants and desires. I resented breastfeeding because it
seems like a chain stealing away my independence. The hardship of planning outings caused anxiety and fear to
fill my mind as I wondered what normal life would now look like for me.
I knew I was unhappy and depressed. These rotten fruits hanging on my tree
screamed out that something was wrong. Fully acquainted with my own sins, I
resented anyone pointing out my sins and telling me of my need to repent. In the darkness of my understanding my
mind twisted repentance into the futile laborious work of turning away from
these consuming sins in my own strength.
It wasn’t until Scripture enlightened my thinking did I see the hope and
rest that repentance offered, which was turning towards a merciful God.
One passage of Scripture that exposed my faulty thinking
was 2 Peter 1:3-4a. I had
memorized this Scripture during my biblical counseling training and the Holy
Spirit brought it to mind during my trial. “[God’s] divine power has granted to us all things that
pertain to life and godliness, through the knowledge of him who called us to
his own glory and excellence, by which he has granted to us his precious and
very great promises.” This verse
convicted me in my lack of faith that God was powerful enough to grant me
everything I needed for life as a new mother in exhibiting godliness during
that season of life. Recalling
this verse to mind revealed my darkened understanding and need to renew my mind
with truth on God’s character.
Everything I needed to respond in godliness for this season in life came
through knowledge of my Savior!
Another faulty understanding of mine was belief that God
was powerful but not loving and good.
Once again the Holy Spirit used memorized Scripture to expose my
unbelief. Romans 8:28 says, “And
we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for
those who are called according to his purpose.” I had to choose to believe this verse, which explains that
God was not only aware of my situation but He was also in the midst of it causing
it to work together for my good (Genesis 50:20)! Countless times over the years I had heard, read and even
sung the words of this verse, but was I going to believe it in the middle of my
own trial?
These verses (2 Peter 1:3-4a and Romans 8:28) marked the
beginning of hope for me in the midst of my trial. I still felt hopeless and depressed but at the recollection
of these verses I made a choice to believe the truth of the Word over the
pressure of my feelings. Hope
begins at mercy, and God mercifully brought these verses to mind and reminded
me that He was powerful and sufficient and will lovingly work things together
for good.
RECEIVING SOLICITED AND UNSOLICITED ADVICE
Another area where the misery of my sin appeared during
this trial was in receiving solicited and unsolicited advice. In my desire to seek relief from the
heat and pressure of my circumstances I spent my time and energy trying to
satisfy the god of my heart, control.
Leaky diapers, unknown allergies, sleepless nights, fluctuating breastfeeding,
stubborn rashes, and unmet schedules caused me great distress because it
revealed that I was not in control.
My “god” was failing me again.
In an effort to gain control over all of these areas I consumed my time
and energy searching for all knowledge and all power. Most of my efforts were spent in online chat forums, social
media networks, Google searches, and baby books. My efforts did gain me some knowledge in motherhood, but it
would never be enough for I would never gain complete control in any of these
areas.
My efforts to seek wisdom and control apart from the
Word revealed my unbelief in the sufficiency of the Scriptures in my life. Deuteronomy 8:3-4 says, “And he humbled
you and let you hunger and fed you with manna, which you did not know, nor did
your fathers know, that he might make you know that man does not live by bread
alone, but man lives by every word that comes from the mouth of the Lord. Your clothing did not wear out on you
and your food did not swell these forty years.” Providentially God used a project due in my biblical
counseling training to bring this verse to my attention. I was struggling because I was trying
to live by bread alone, through seeking and receiving advice on various aspects
of motherhood. But this verse
convicted me of my error and helped redirect my gaze onto the Word of God.
Psalm 131:1b-2 also brought peace to my toilsome heart,
“I do not occupy myself with things too great and too marvelous for me. But I have calmed and quieted my soul,
like a weaned child with its mother; like a weaned child is my soul within me.” Such an appropriate illustration that
came to mind several times a day and night when I nursed my own baby. Just like my own baby was calm and
quiet after a feeding, I needed to feed on God’s Word to satisfy my own
soul. Sadly my misplaced efforts
revealed that I was being led astray from a sincere and pure devotion to Christ
alone (2 Corinthians 11:3) because of my unbelief in the sufficiency of
Scriptures. These verses renewed
my mind by reminding me that only God possesses all knowledge. Man’s knowledge is limited and
finite. I needed to submit myself
to God who knows all and reveals wisdom through His Word, which is sufficient
for my obedience.
My soul was restless and deeply longed for rest and
relief from the pressures of motherhood.
Slowly God was mercifully showing me that my unbelief in Him and His
Word needed to change, but He was not done yet. During this time God ordained and orchestrated for me to
study Hebrews 3:7-4:7. I was
studying this passage to merely complete an assignment for my biblical
counseling degree, but God was using that assignment to show me where true rest
for my soul could be found. The
study of this passage gave me hope.
The author of Hebrews uses the example of the rebellious
Israelites to warn his readers of the danger of forgetting the gospel. Constantly the author pleads with the
reader to remain faithful and not to drift away from the gospel (2:1; 3:12;
4:11; 6:11-12; 10:22-25; 12:25).
The letter to the Hebrews is an exhortation to faithfulness addressing
the believer who, facing unbelief and disobedience, must stand firm in the
gospel. I was facing unbelief in
the goodness and power of my God over my circumstances, therefore my unbelief
resulted in various sins of disobedience.
The lesson I needed to learn from the Israelites’ example was the
necessity of trusting and obeying Christ’s supremacy.
Sin always deceives under man’s righteousness and
wisdom, which is under the appearance of good. Sin will first deceive and then
it will harden. That is the order (Heb 3:13). The deceitfulness of sin includes
self-righteousness and self-wisdom, because man loves nothing more than his own
wisdom when it seems good to him. Heart idols will deceive, and then they will
harden. The Israelites thought they needed a large army and strong muscles in
order to conquer the people of Canaan and dwell in the Promised Land. They
worshiped their own understanding and wisdom in perceiving their circumstances.
This was the deceitfulness of their sin, which caused them to rebel against the
LORD. The warning I received from
this passage was that I was in the same danger of rebelling against the Lord
because of the idol of control I worshiped in my heart.
Hebrews 3:10 explains that Israel went astray from the
LORD because they did not know God’s ways. But knowledge of the Lord’s commands were not enough, the
people were to ‘follow them’ (vv. 1, 5, 13-14) and ‘observe them carefully’ (v.
6). Active obedience was essential.
Why did they not act upon the knowledge? Hebrews 4:2 tells us that they
did not receive the message of good news with faith. Hearing only is not enough
(Heb 4:1-2). The consequence for
my lack of faith in God’s goodness over my immediate circumstances was a
failure to enter God’s rest (Hebrews 4:3). My soul was restless.
MERCY OF MY GOD – POWER OF THE GOSPEL
There
are two trees in the Two Tree Model, a bad tree and a good tree. The same sun (heat and circumstances)
bears down on both trees. But one
tree bears bad fruit and another tree bears good fruit. The difference is the root. At the root of the bad tree there is an
idol, but at the root of the good tree true worship is given to God alone. How does one change from being a bad
tree to a good tree? A common
erroneous thought is by putting off the bad fruit and putting on the good fruit
is how the change occurs. Although
that is a description of the process that is not how change occurs. In the illustration, between the bad
tree and good tree stands the cross, representing the gospel. Change occurs through the power, hope
and mercy of the gospel.
Before
I could change from being a bad tree to a good tree I needed to understand and clearly
see the misery of my sin. Change
happens through the gospel by turning away from your idol and turning towards
God! I foolishly dreaded repenting
from my idol of control because I thought I had to put off my bad fruit and
bear good fruit. Such effort
seemed impossible because God alone bears the fruit. By understanding the misery and hopelessness of my sin it
highlighted and magnified the mercy, love and goodness of my God! Gospel is where hope and mercy begins,
therefore repentance should not be the cause of fear but instead the cause of
joy.
REMEMBERING MY TRUE
IDENTITY
In the midst of struggling with depression my husband
asked me, “how would you counsel someone in your situation?” That was a painful question to hear and
consider when I was consumed with myself.
But one of the many precious memories during this time is how my husband
and I drew closer together in an intimate way that we did not know before
having a baby. God uses my husband
as an instrument of His grace to me time after time, and this trial was no
different. My husband is always
faithful to point me back to the gospel.
His ability to accurately see the gospel in everyday life is his most
attractive quality to me. When the
false gods I have constructed blind me, he is faithful to recognize them and
help me tear them down so that I can clearly see the gospel. One way that God faithfully pursued me
in my despair was through my loving husband. My husband was my faithful counselor and gave me many
practical instructions to help me embrace the power of the gospel.
The first assignment that my husband gave me was to
answer the question, “who am I and why do I do what I do?” My initial response to this question
was, “I am a wife and mother and this is my lot in life.” Quickly my husband corrected me, “No,
you are wrong. You are a child of
God and a citizen of heaven!” He
then encouraged me to search Scripture to find and recall to mind my true
identity. This simple yet accurate
understanding of my identity gave me such hope.
Another thing my husband did for me was compile of list
of prayer requests from missionaries, church friends, and family. He told me I should keep this list by
my nursing chair and pray for them each time I sat down to nurse our son. He explained that the purpose of this
action was to put my circumstances in the right perspective to help me see the
bigger picture. Those prayer
requests were some of the first reminders for me to take my eyes off myself and
put others before me. My husband
was trying to teach me how to be a servant.
My husband also asked me to list what I was thankful for
in the middle of my trying circumstances.
A friend from bible study told me once that she kept a notepad on the
counter of her kitchen where she recorded things she was thankful for
throughout the day. I always
thought such an activity seemed forced and fake to record items when you did
not feel thankful. But I was
desperate for relief from the pressures of motherhood so I gave it a try. At first it was hard, but as time past
and God continued to work in my life it became easier and quicker to fill out
my thankfulness journal.
Something I prepared for the labor and delivery of my
son was a stack of three by five index cards with Scripture verses about fear, God’s
power and control. I had no idea
when I was creating those cards that I would not use any of them during my
labor and delivery. But instead
God sovereignly planned the preparation of those cards, so I would have them
available and ready to use after my delivery. I placed those cards on the table next to my nursing chair
and I picked them up and read through them every couple hours when I sat down
to nurse my son.
Another practical assignment that I did to help me sort
out my overwhelming feelings was write down the answer to these three
questions, “What do you feel? What
do you think? What do you
know?” The answer to those
questions helped me sort out what I felt was true versus what I knew to be
true. It also helped me to
identify how my thoughts led to my feelings. When I chose to live by what I knew to be true from
Scripture rather than live by my feelings and limited understanding of my
circumstances I was stopping my spiral into deeper despair and it was the
beginning of hope.
There were numerous verses God used to change my
thinking. But I will share a few
of the key ones that really helped me.
One of the bible verses I put on a three by five index card in
preparation for labor and delivery was Psalm 27:13-14, “I believe that I shall
look upon the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living! Wait for the Lord; be strong, and let
your heart take courage; wait for the Lord!” Many times I doubt that I will see the goodness of the Lord
now, here in this life. But this
verse says that the goodness of the Lord is to be seen now, here in the land of
the living! That was great hope to
cling to when none of my circumstances seemed good.
Another verse God used was Matthew 5:6, “Blessed are
those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they shall be
satisfied.” I came upon this verse
because my husband was preaching through the beatitudes and was sharing with me
what he was learning. Another word
for “blessed” in this verse could be happy. Happiness and satisfaction comes from those who hunger and
thirst for righteousness, not for those who already are righteous! The misery of my sin constantly
reminded me that I was not righteous, but this verse told me that happiness and
righteousness was possible and all I had to do was hunger and thirst for it!
Another labor and delivery verse was Isaiah 41:10, “Fear
not, for I am with you; be not dismayed (do not anxiously look about you), for
I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with
my righteous right hand.” My
feelings and finite understanding told me to fear. I was anxiously looking at my circumstances which only made
me depressed. This verse reminded
me that God was with me and would help, strengthen and uphold me!
A verse I came across in the reading of Trusting God, by Jerry Bridges, was Hebrews
5:8, “Although [Jesus Christ] was a son, he learned obedience through what he
suffered.” The example of Christ’s
suffering on the cross teaches me that I can indeed obey God’s commands when
everything in my body is pressing me towards selfishness.
SINGING OVER CRYING
I tried so hard to figure out motherhood in my own
strength but at the best it only brought temporary rest and fleeting
peace. My happiness fluctuated
based upon my son’s behavior. God
was gracious and loving to show me so many illustrations of His love and
compassion directly from motherhood itself. One particular illustration came in the form of singing.
The night before I went into labor I was overwhelmed,
fearful and anxious anticipating the delivery of my first child. I was lying in bed when my husband came
in and told me to close my eyes and just listen to the words. He then pulled out a hymnal and began
to sing to me the hymn “How Firm a Foundation”. I have sung that hymn tons of times in church but never
really stopped to listen to the words.
Oh how appropriate those words were to my weary soul! On top of that was the fact that my
husband had never serenaded me before.
Both together were so tender and loving it made me cry. Zephaniah 3:17 says, “The Lord your God
is in your midst, a mighty one who will save; he will quiet you by his love; he
will exult over you with loud singing.” Just like my husband sang over me, my Savior was singing the
gospel over me.
Only a couple months after the birth of our son my
husband bought me a book of devotions written by Susannah Spurgeon (Morning Devotions by Susannah Spurgeon: Free
Grace and Dying Love). When I
received that gift I sat down and began to read the first devotion recorded in
the book. Here is an excerpt:
Romans 8:32 “He that spared not his own
Son, … how shall he not with him also freely give us all things?” Faith’s fingers are joyfully touching
the keys of this carillon of sweet bells this morning, and making them ring
jubilantly to the praise of your Name!
How shall he not!
How shall he not!
He that spared not!
How shall he not!
Lord, quicken my faith, give me eyes to
see how deep and wide, and full and free, is the unspeakable love which spared
not your own Son, and therefore can spare every other gift, to me, your
undeserving child! I thank you
that I can ring these charming bells here, now, in the sanctuary of my heart,
and all day long in the open cloisters of my daily life, I may make your glad
music resound to your glory, and my own exceeding happiness!
How shall he not!
How shall he not!
The same way my husband sung over me, the act of singing
over my son was a gentle and gracious way for God to remind me of His love for
me through the Gospel. When I
recalled the gospel it was as if God was singing over me and quieting down my
restless soul. Like a newborn baby
I was helpless to quiet myself, and God desired to sing the gospel over
me. If only I would stop to hear
His song sung throughout the Scriptures!
God used so many different songs to minister to me in
the midst of my trial. Each time
the truths contained in the lyrics would calm my anxious heart and remind me to
cast my vision on things above rather than on the pressing things of this world
(2 Corinthians 4:16-18; Colossians 3:1-2). The ministry of music was just another way God was
mercifully reminding me of the joy and rest that is found in repentance. Those in the body of Christ who were
faithful to put Scripture truths into song lyrics was just another way I was
the blessed recipient of the one-anothers (Colossians 3:16).
Another instance when music helped lift my gaze onto my
Savior came one day when I was rushing my son off to urgent care. It was during a time when he had
several back to back health concerns over a course of just a couple months. As I was driving I was reflecting on my
situation. Evaluating it objectively
it looked pretty dire, troublesome and hopeless. An unexplained allergic reaction that required an ER visit;
a serious infection, MRSA; and now a fever accompanied by the return of the
swelling on his face and lips. I
was physically tired and a little sad that I had to miss yet another event
because of these troublesome circumstances. And then the song came on.
The
song was from the Seeds Encouragement CD. Which is a group that puts Bible verses
to song to help kids learn and understand Scripture. This song was from John 16:33, “I have told you these
things, so that in Me you may have peace…for in the world you will have
trouble, but take heart I have overcome the world!” I had forgotten who my
Father was in the midst of my troubles in motherhood and the immediate health
concerns of my son.
God promises that I will have trouble in this
world. This world is cursed and
full of the effects of sin. But
God has rescued me. He is a gentle
and caring God by putting His Word down so I can read and know His will. This song that came on reminded me of
His will and promises. I shouldn’t
be surprised when troubles come upon me (like back to back unknown unexplained
illnesses) but rather I should expect them. But, take heart!
Put your trust in God, for He has overcome the world! My son’s illnesses may go unexplained
for the rest of his life, and he will continue to get sick. But, my hope is not in the
circumstances and events in this world, no my hope is in the One who has already
overcome this world!
The Spirit used this Scripture verse to give me
hope! And that hope caused me to
sing and brought me peace (Psalm 28:6-7)!
I turned up the song and sang out loudly over and over as I drove my son
to urgent care. He later got diagnosed
with pneumonia that day. But it
was such a wonderful day! I had such
joy and peace. That day stands out
in my memory of being such a great day. I had hope and none of these circumstances and troubles in
this life could take away my hope!
“Through Christ who loved us, we are more than conquerors of the
distress and trouble we encounter in this world (Romans 8:37).” Praise be to
God!
MAGNITUDE OF MY DELIVERANCE – THE GOOD TREE
The
magnitude of my deliverance in this trial of motherhood is not the change in
circumstance or relief from its pressure.
In the Two Tree Model both the good tree and the bad tree are under the
same sun. The same circumstances
and heat bear down on both trees equally.
The magnitude of my deliverance is that in spite of my circumstances my
heart and mouth overflowed in thanksgiving and praise to my God. Habakkuk 3:17:18 says, “Though the fig
tree should not blossom, nor fruit be on the vines, the produce of the olive
fail and the fields yield no food, the flock be cut off from the fold, and
there be no herd in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in the Lord; I will take joy
in the God of my salvation.” God
mercifully showed me the misery of my sin and the idol of my heart. Then He changed me through the gospel
by repentance as I turned from my idol to Him. A concrete evidence of the change that occurred in my heart
can be seen in the preparation and arrival of my second son.
TREVOR’S BIRTH
As the days got closer to the birth of my second son, I
got fearful and scared again. I remember
I had two main prayer requests.
One was that I would not get the same nurse as I had with my delivery
with my first son. I had so many memories
and emotions tied with that delivery, and I did not get along with my previous
nurse. My second request was that
I would have joy and thankfulness at the delivery of my son. Instead of wallowing in self-pity I
wanted to be able to rejoice and thank God genuinely from my heart when my son
arrived. But I was weak and had
little faith that God would be gracious and answer those two requests. Nonetheless those were my two requests.
When it was time to finally get checked into the
hospital the same nurse that I had before greeted me and told me she was going
to be my nurse. As my husband and
I went to get ready I started to cry and told him I did not want her as a nurse
again. My husband helped calm my
down. I asked him why didn’t God
answer my prayer? My faith was
weak and I was having a hard time trusting that God was indeed kind to assign
her as a nurse again. He then said
it isn’t the strength or amount of my faith that mattered, rather it was the
object of my faith. He said God
knows the number of hairs on my head (Matthew 10:30). He asked me what use is it to know the number of hairs on my
head? He said it is not very
useful information. But God is so
intimately aware of me that He even knows the hairs on my head. That truth helped calm me down.
As I got admitted into the hospital I requested another
nurse. Shortly after another nurse
came in and told me she was going to be my nurse. I was so happy because I did not think God cared or would
answer my request. My faith was
weak, but the object of my faith was not.
Shortly after I arrived in triage my friend came to help
support me in my labor and help coach me.
My friend said that I should use the mild contractions to practice
thinking rightly for the bigger contractions that were still to come. One thing I thought about during my
contractions was that God was so intimately aware and near me that He knew the
number of hairs on my head. I also
thought that it wasn’t the strength of my faith but the object of my
faith. Each contraction was the
hand of God delivering my baby.
I still didn’t have my own room, but was
still in triage. I really didn’t
mind it because I thought of Jesus not having His own room. I was thankful to have a bed. Finally around a room finally opened
and they moved me. Then the doctor arrived and said I could push. My son arrived only after a couple
pushes. Allan said my change was
so immediate. I was screaming and
in pain one second and then as soon as our son arrived I was happy and
rejoicing! He said my drastic
change gave the truths of John 16:21-22 with more clarity. These verses state, “When
a woman is giving birth, she has sorrow because her hour has come, but when she
has delivered the baby, she no longer remembers the anguish, for joy that a
human being has been born into the world. So also you have sorrow now, but I will
see you again, and your hearts will rejoice, and no one will take your joy from
you.”
I really was rejoicing. God was faithful even when my faith was weak. I had joy and thanksgiving over the
arrival of my son. God had heard
my prayers and so graciously answered them, because as my husband reminded me,
God must remain faithful to His promises to His redeemed children. If God killed His own Son in order to
redeem my sinful soul, how much more will He help me now that I am His adopted
daughter! He must remain faithful
to His character, and that He does not depend on the strength or ability of my
own faith.
What I thought about during my labor and throughout each
contraction played a role in how I responded once my son arrived. Because I was thinking on Scripture and
Truth about my Savior, I was able to rejoice when my son arrived. Last time I was thinking about myself,
my worries, my fears, my “rights”, my “righteousness” and how I would look to
others throughout my labor – thus, when my first son arrived I didn’t rejoice
but wallowed in self pity and regret.
My labor experience demonstrated to me the blessings that result when
you think on Scripture and God’s character in the midst of trying times. The blessings I learned through the
birth of my second son was invaluable!
God’s kindness in answering my prayer requests strengthened and
solidified my faith in Him and the power of His Word. I knew things would be different this next time because the
strength, power, and knowledge was not my own this time.
The idol of control was removed from my heart and
dependence on God took it’s place.
This changed occurred through the power of the gospel because of the
mercy of God. Instead of unbelief
and doubt in God’s character, my faith was now firm in the goodness,
faithfulness, love and gentleness of my God. This occurred through a change in belief about the Bible. By choosing to believe in the power and
sufficiency of the Word of God it helped change my identity. My identity was no longer tied to my
circumstances, instead my identity was found in Christ as a child of God. All of these changes gave me the hope of
heaven and rest for my restless soul, which enabled me to give thanks and
praise to my God in the middle of suffering. Thanks be to God!
REFERENCE:
For further
instruction on how to counsel someone who may be struggling with the transition
into motherhood see Jenny Merjanian’s MABC Thesis “Counsel for New Mothers: A
Biblical Approach to the Trials of New Motherhood”.
Songs that
ministered to me:
Blessings by Laura Story
Mercy Awaits by Enfield
When Trials Come by Keith and Kristyn
Getty
How Firm a Foundation traditional hymn
Think About It (Philippians 4:8) by
Seeds Family Worship
Cast Your Cares (Psalm 55:22) by Seeds Family Worship
Take Heart (John 16:33) by Seeds Family Worship
Cast Your Cares (Psalm 55:22) by Seeds Family Worship
Take Heart (John 16:33) by Seeds Family Worship
Do Not Fear ( Isaiah 41:10 ) by Seeds
Family Worship
Do not Be Anxious ( Philippians 4:6-7 ) by
Seeds Family Worship
Arrived by Enfield
[1] Taken from
Matt Waymeyer’s sermon, Grace Community Church, April 15, 2012.
[2]
Shari I. Lusskin, MD, FAPA and Shaila Misri, MD, FRCPC, “Postpartum blues and
depression,” UptoDate (Last
literature review version 19.2: May 2011), under “Postpartum Blues,” http://www.
uptodate.com/contents/postpartum-blues-and-depression?source=search_result&selectedTitle=1%7E6
(accessed August 24, 2011).
[3]
Ibid.
[4]
Ibid.
[5]
Ibid.
