Forgetting My Misery

I am prideful. Somehow I quickly forget the lessons I learn. I can be in the middle of a trial or some trying times – miserable, unhappy and desperately wanting my circumstances to change and my character to strengthen - then God graciously teaches me a valuable lesson from which I grow. After the immediate pressure is relieved from my circumstance I quickly forget the misery that once consumed my mind!

Then time passes and something will remind me of the lesson I learned from my trial. My mind often will smile in remembering how gracious God was to teach me about Him. But funny thing is I usually can’t recall my misery. Oh, I can remember that I was miserable and unhappy but I usually can’t remember the feeling. Do you know what I mean? So that is one reason I like to journal when I am learning a lesson. I like to record my feelings and thoughts. That way later when the pressure of the circumstance is relieved - and my misery fads into the background – I can read my journal and be humbled again. When I am able to recall my emotions and thoughts from a certain situation it humbles me and it magnifies the work that God has done. Then I am encouraged, “wow that’s right, God can change me!”

One trial that has faded into the background of my memory a bit is my struggle after Jakob was born. I remember crying a lot - daily. I remember being overwhelmed and wondering how life would ever be “normal” again. I remember not having an emotional “motherly” response when my newborn baby would cry. But it is so different now.

I was carrying Jakob from the car to the house one night. He had fallen asleep in the car seat. This night Allan asked me the usually question, “Which do you want to get, baby or the stuff?” Before any opportunity for someone else to hold and care for my son I would quickly take it, “yes, time off!” But this time I said “baby”. When I picked Jakob up out of the seat and put him onto my shoulder, he snuggled into my neck. The weight of his body went limp. And then a huge smile crept onto my face. That emotional motherly feeling that was absent those first couple months of his life was now bursting out of my heart. And I remember thinking “whoa, there’s that feeling I wanted from the start! Where did it come from and when did I change?”

Moments like that makes my heart smile. God changed me! He is faithful to answer the prayers of His children. And my mind goes to Exodus 34:6-7a, “The Lord, the Lord, a God merciful and gracious, slow to anger, and abounding in steadfast love and faithfulness, keeping the steadfast love for thousands.”