My Psalm

Have you noticed that pattern in some Psalms where it starts out with the psalmist in dispair, questioning God and calling out for help, and then ends with the psalmist declaring praises to his God?  It makes me go back and seach the middle of the psalm, trying to figure out how the psalmist got from despair to praise so that I too can learn the secret.  I think God has been writing a psalm in my own life about moving to the Philippines.

The beginning of my psalm. 
True to form, the beginning of my psalm had confusion, despair and questioning God - highlighting my inadequacies and need.  You can see it a little in my two recent posts about my limitations and about feeling foreign. 

The middle of my psalm. 
I was not left without hope, but I didn't quite feel like those psalmist seem to feel at the end of their psalms, joyous and bursting with praise for their God.  Instead it was more of a resolve, a choice, and a desparation to cling to the Word of God because I know its power and my need.  And each time God teaches me something I want to record it, so that I have a complete picture of His work in my life.

The end of my psalm.
I like to record my wrong thinking along with the Scriptural truths I have learned throughout my journey.  Why?  SO THAT when God changes me I have something to contrast it against, least I quickly forget my need once the pressure has been removed or the circumstances change.  And along with the contrast, I have a roapmap of Truth showing me how God brought me through it all.  It is the contrast of the change that is such a beautiful testimony of the character of my God.

You see.... all of these seemingly hardships that come from moving to a country not your own, the trials of mundane daily life, the circumstances that I don't understand and longings, the waiting for them to change, they are GOOD!  Why?  Because God has wisely used them in my life to help me more clearly see Him.  Its that moment that hits you during the regularity of life.  For me it hit yesterday while cooking dinner.  I was reflecting on all the various things God has been teaching me in His Word and I realized God has been teaching me how to long for Him alone.  He has given me a hunger and a desparation of needing to KNOW HIM in my struggles rather than know how to escape and relieve the pressure.  I have learned my God is beautiful!  He is faithful and steadfast in His pursuit to teach me about Him.  He is gracious gentle in His dealings with me.  And I can now whole heartedly agree with the psalmist when he says, "Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me (shall pursue me like a lion with his prey!) ALL the days of my life!"

Have my circumstances changed?  Has the pressures of life been removed?  No.  But I have now experienced the beauty, character and goodness of my God in ways I only hoped and clung to before.  Ann Judson, missionary to Burma said this, "Rangoon, from having been the theatre, in which so much of the faithfulness , power, and mercy of God had been exhibited...had become the dearest spot on earth."  Manila is my Rangoon.