Discouragment over unanswered health problems

I feel discouraged, weak, weary, heavy laden and in need of rest.  I am frustrated and desire answers to so many questions.  Why can’t a doctor have all of the answers?  Why does one thing work for one person but doesn’t work for another?  Why does one child suffer from allergies and asthma and another child does not?

There are still unanswered questions in regards to Jakob’s allergies and asthma.  Just when I think I have found the answer and have figured it out, something else occurs and it reminds me how helpless I am and how I am not in control of my son’s health.  Oh, I do try sooo hard to be in control of his health.  I consult doctors and specialist for their expertise.  I interview friends to find out what worked for them.  I research alternative medicines.  And with all of my striving and effort you’d think it would answer my questions and bring me somewhat closer to clarity and control over my son’s health.  But at the end of the day I am only weary and confused.  I am jealous and envious of moms who have healthy children.  I feel guilty that I am failing as a mom.

I want to express exactly how I feel so that I can have it in writing and can refer to it later.  You see… I have a great God and Savior!  He loves me!  He pursued me when I was His enemy and He gave His own Son to die for my sins, so that I can have fellowship with Him.  My Savior has changed my thinking once before… and I KNOW He will change my thinking once again in this area!

A little side note if you please….. A recent struggle I had was the struggles of being a new mom.  Oh I struggled so much!  So much so I agreed to write my testimony of my struggles for a book project through The Master’s College MABC program.  I sat down to write out my testimony the other day and I couldn’t quite remember in detail what my struggles were.  Ha ha!  So I thought I’d go through my old posts on my blog to read what I wrote about my struggles.  I read post after post of what I wrote over the course of my first year as a mother.  And do you know what happened as I read through my past struggle?  I was sooo encouraged!  Ha ha…As I read my sins, failures and doubts all came flooding back.  But I also noticed something else that I didn’t see while I was going through this trial that I know see sooo clearly!  And that is that God loved me, He pursued me, He was gentle and merciful to me and faithful to bring me through my struggle.  I kept thinking that there would be this major turning point in my struggle, like a certain book I read or bible study I did.  But no.  Actually I was not that faithful and I didn’t work that hard.  That was part of the wonderfulness of reading through my old posts, I saw my weakness.  During my struggle I was weak and had such little faith.  I doubted that God truly loved me.  I had a vision of God that was more of a drill sergeant in the army, and He was mad at me and was trying to discipline me into shape and stronger faith.  But as I read through my blog posts I only saw His faithfulness!  He was faithful in so many ways.  And He was constant too.  A verse here, a sermon there, a song here, a truth remembered.  So many various things He used.  And in between my posts you can see where I was weak again.  But then He’d be there again and would remind me again of who He was, so I’d write another short post about what I learned. 

So, now I want to do the same thing with this trial, the trial of Jakob’s allergies.  I feel weak and frail.  I know I doubt God’s goodness so many times.  But He is constant to remind me of truth.  The Holy Spirit is faithful to bring God’s Word to bear in my life and remind me that my Savior is near, He is loving and gentle.  Well… this afternoon was one of those occasions.  As I explained at the beginning of this post, I was weary and frustrated that I don’t have the answers to Jakob’s health.  I was feeling guilty, angry, jealous and envious.  All of which are deeds of the flesh! 

What did God the Holy Spirit use this time?  Another child’s song from Seeds Family Worship.  This time it was from Psalm 34:10;

“The lions may grow weak and hungry, but those who seek the Lord lack no good thing.  All things work together for those who love the Lord.”

My doubtful and weary soul felt like it was going weak and hungry.  Yet this verse reminded me that those who seek the Lord lack no good thing.  You see I have been acting like I am all knowing and wise…. Thinking I know what is good for my son, and that goodness would be the resolution of his ongoing health issues.  But this verse tells me no.  No, my goodness is not tied up in Jakob’s health.  And the best part is that I don’t have to do anything!!!  Ha ha….!!!  Oh I am weak already so I don’t think I can do anything.  All it says on my part is to seek the Lord.  Oh my weary soul can do that.  And what is the result?  I will lack no good thing.

It is exciting to see the faithfulness of the Lord to remind me of Himself.  I want to record all of the ways He teaches me and corrects my thinking.  Because that way at the end of this trial I will have a beautiful testimony of the faithfulness, gentleness and love of the Lord towards me, a weak and weary sinner.  And what will that cause me to do?  To sing out as loud as I can in song, bursting with joy!