Training in comfort

Are there things that bring you comfort? Worn sweats, fuzzy slippers, a pony tail and a mug of coffee with a little cream works well for me. For my two year old son his comforts are blankey, “mouse”, his bottle of juice and the presence of his father. Little did I realize until after the fact, that this past week when we were trying to train Jakob in his items of comfort, that the Lord was also training me in some of my items of comfort. Namely rest and control.

Jakob still prefers to drink from a bottle. I know that this is not common for other toddlers his age, but with his array of food allergies the last thing I was concerned about was the type of container he was drinking out of. Now with most of his allergies under control I thought it was time to train him to use the cup and sippy cup rather than the bottle. Plus we realized that he was using the bottle for comfort mostly, and he’d wet his bed every night for the number of bottles he drank to comfort himself to sleep.

So this past week I went cold turkey on him. I stopped his bottles and only gave him sippy cups. He drank considerably less, revealing that the bottle was indeed a comfort. When he woke up at night it was harder for him to fall back asleep because he we didn’t give him his bottle, only a drink from a cup. When Allan started to stay with him to help him fall back asleep he commented that he realized that there is comfort being in the presence of your father.

Things were going okay until Friday afternoon when he woke up from his nap. He was fussy and it was evident that he was not feeling well. I first thought that I was too drastic in the transition away from the bottle and perhaps he was dehydrated because he wasn’t drinking as much with the cup. His behavior reminded me of another time when he had an allergic reaction without any outward signs. So just in case he was having an allergic reaction I gave him a dose of Benadryl. It did nothing so I assumed he was sick. When he vomited violently at 7pm I was convinced that he indeed had the flu. So we got him ready for bed and put him to sleep.

That night he hardly slept much at all. He tossed and turned and groaned in pain much of the night. Allan stayed with him and said at one point he kept pointing to his mouth and saying “owie”. “Teething?” Allan wondered? When morning came and Jakob got out of bed and came into the light of the hallway I saw what was bothering him. His face and lips were swollen! He was also having a hard time walking and I noticed his feet too were swollen and red. I woke up my mother to ask her what she thought. For the first time I realized he was having an allergic reaction all of this time. Vomiting and swelling, both were reactions that were on the list of reasons to administer the epi-pen. But both were reactions 12 hours apart. What should we do? I tried to call our allergist but his phone just rang, the voicemail must not be on. So I then called the pediatrician and got the on call doctor. I explained the situation and she calmly but firmly said, “you need to get him to the hospital right away.” My heart raced. I asked, “he has an epi-pen should I use it?” She said I could use it, but I needed to get to the hospital right away. I remember the allergist telling me when in doubt always use the epi-pen, I could never hurt him by using the epi-pen. I also remembered the statistic the allergist gave that 90% of allergy related deaths occur because the epi-pen was not administered in time. We were already instructed to get to the hospital, since we were going there anyways mise well give him the epi-pen. So I did.

I was surprised at how easy it was to actually stab Jakob with the pen. It was just like the training pen they put they give you to practice with. I was also surprised at the rush of adrenaline the pen gave me. The epi-pen is pure adrenaline and gives the body a boost in order to fight back against an allergic attack. I have never been to the ER, not for myself or for anyone else. How quickly do we need to get there? Should we go in our PJ’s? Should we change first? I quickly grabbed a baseball hat and put it over my bed head, and I changed into a pair of jeans, but I left my pajama top on and just put a jacket over it. I remember thinking how panicked I felt and noticing how different my husband’s demeanor was. Allan was brushing his teeth. Brushing his teeth? Should I brush mine too? Later I found out Allan had to take his own asthma medicine before leaving so that is why he brushed his teeth.

We got to the ER and actual had a pleasant visit, if one can indeed have a pleasant visit. The nurses and doctors were nice and attended to us quickly. They couldn’t diagnose what was wrong with Jakob, but there best guess was it was an allergic reaction. They waited until the swelling went down and gave him some steroids and sent us home. When we got home he took a nap. When he woke up from his nap his face was swollen again and his hands in pain and swollen too. I called the ER and they said to come back down. We returned to ER. The swelling went down again on it’s own. They took some blood and urine samples and ran some tests. All negative. Still no diagnosis. If it was an allergic reaction it was not typical. They said to see the pediatrician and allergist on Monday for further evaluation. We went home. But this time it was evening. When we got home we put Jakob to bed. He had another painful, tossing and turning night. He woke up at 2am and we noticed his face was swollen again, but this time so swollen his eyes were almost swollen shut! And he was complaining about pain in his neck. This is why I really panicked, and I mean really.

I wanted to rush off to the ER for a third time and stab him again with the epi-pen. But my calm and rational husband said no. “No?!” He said that we have already been to the ER twice and they have checked his vitals and he is fine. ER has done all they could so there would be no benefit to return. Plus Jakob would get a better rest at home. The first thing that came to mind was my bible study homework I just did, which was on a wife’s submission to her husband. Here was my crazy thought process at this moment, “oh man I have to submit to Allan! But if I submit to Allan then my son might die! Surely God will understand if I don’t submit this time, right? Oh yes God knows exactly what is going on, God calls me to submit to my husband and my husband is not infallible. God wants me to submit to an infallible husband? Yes He does, my biblical counseling professor made this point in one of my classes. Can I stand the guilt if my son dies?” By this time Allan’s focus was on me and not on Jakob. Allan was worried I was going to pass out because I was starting to hyperventilate. Allan eventually calmed me down. He said I could call the on call doctor and explain what was happening. I did and the doctor said we didn’t need to go anywhere since Jakob was breathing, drinking and peeing just fine. I asked Allan if I could make a facebook post and ask for prayer. He said yes, so I did.

The worst of Jakob’s reactions at that point were in the past. The next couple days or so he got better. We were able to take him to his allergist who prescribed lots of anti-histamines to help bring down the swelling and to clear up the hives that had appeared and were starting to spread. I remember at the end of our appointment the allergist made a passing comment. He said not to drive myself crazy trying to figure out what caused this. He said he knew I was a careful mother and I kept track of what I fed my son. He said the important thing is to get Jakob’s symptoms under control. So what consumed my mind and actions for the next several days? Going crazy trying to figure out what caused this episode, exactly what the doctor warned not to do.

I racked my brain trying to remember everything I fed my son. I knew all of the things he ate. I read all of the labels. I had even researched some of the companies to confirm their product was safe for my son. I created a timeline of when all of the symptoms appeared. I researched and bombarded my allergist with emails trying to learn the timing of when allergic symptoms appear compared to when a person comes in contact with the allergen. I chatted on an online forum for other parents who had kids with allergies, trying to see if they might have a perspective on the situation that I hadn’t thought of yet. Allan called me from work to ask how I was doing. He knew I was consumed and bothered by not knowing what caused this and wanted to make sure I was okay. He was planning on going to the library after work to work on a sermon but said he could come home if I needed him to. I told him I needed him to come home because I felt unstable and he always helped steady me. I told him I needed him to help steady me.

When he came home we talked. I asked him why he wasn’t consumed and bothered with not knowing what caused this. He then made a comment that made me stop. He said that we have been trying to train Jakob in the things that bring him comfort; bottle of juice, blankey, etc. He said he believed that God was trying to train me with the things that brought me comfort; rest and control. Not knowing what caused this allergic episode shows me that I am not in control. I can try as hard as I can to not allow Jakob’s allergies to affect him, but I can’t control it. I need to rest in God and trust that He is in control of all of this. He said I can be wise and take precautions, but Jakob has allergies and I can’t change that. I need to find my rest and refuge in Christ. In the Lord my God who created my son. I need to release the mirage of control I thought I had over my son’s allergies and trust in God who is in control of my son’s allergies. I need to believe that God has created Jakob’s body this way in order to bring Himself glory. In order to conform me, his mother, more into the image of Jesus Christ. God is good and He knows what circumstances and situations will work together to bring about that which is best. I may not know how or what I should pray, but I can trust that the Holy Spirit is interceding for me requesting that which is best for me. I can rest in that because my Savior is good, gentle, and faithful to His promises.

“When trials come no longer fear
For in the pain our God draws near
To fire a faith worth more than gold
And there His faithfulness is told
And there His faithfulness is told”

- Keith & Kristyn Getty, “When Trials Come”