I used to be a better wife and mother

Perhaps it just nostaglia, but I think there is a little truth to it.  I used to be a much better wife and mother.  If the car needed a check-up or just a simple change of oil I knew how to take it to get fixed at our mechanic's.  And if there was a strange sound in the engine I was able to make an appointment, take it in, arrange for the kids to be watched.... all without my husband having to be involved with any more than a simple converstation over breakfast.  The kids regularly had their medical check-ups and I went to the dentist every 6 months.  I was able to handle all aspects on my own because I knew what to do, it was simple really, just call up the dentist make an appointment and drive there.

At home I knew what was expected of me.  I knew what I needed to do, cleaning, laundry, groceries, freezer meals, cutting coupons, meal planning and cooking.  And although those tasks were a bit overwhelming to keep on top of at all times, I knew the basics of what I had to do. My biggest enemies were time and energy.  But when I struggled with my roles and duties there were plenty of "mommy blogs" I could relate to remind me I am not alone, or friends from church who were in exactly my position and could understand, laugh or cry with me.

With the kids I knew the expectations of others.  I had convictions and preferences of what it looked like to be a faithful godly mother.  Cribs, nap schedules, playdates, teaching them independence, and the love-hate fight against the  Christian "supermom" image.  I knew how my kids were suppose to obey to appear kind and respectful.  And I thought I approached it all so biblically too.

I even knew how to relax and escape it all if I just needed to recharge and rest.  Having my favorite tv shows, coffee shops, ladies night with my friends, or a game night at the house, or holiday and traditions to keep myself busy.

Then the rules changed and it revealed how weak and dependent I really am.

After moving overseas, I no longer knew how to excel at caring for the basics of my family and household.  Sure I knew what needed to be done.... like we need to eat, sleep, wear clean clothes and keep a relatively clean house.... but I no longer knew how to do it all.  I am now dependent on so many factors outside myself in order to complete simple tasks that used to be so routine.  One dependency is on my husband since the country we moved to is his own native land where he was born and raised and fluently speaks the language.  So when things are overwhelming and hard I lean on him for help.  I was grateful for his help and friendship, but felt so guilty because I was suppose to be the "helpmate" and yet I could hardly fulfill a single task that didn't need his help to complete.

Futhermore, the comfort I used to get from mommy blogs and moms who tried to do it all.... I could no longer relate it.  My biggest enemies were no longer time and energy. I seemed to have a lot more time here in this relationship orientated culture, and because they love to serve I was more rested too.  Moms who didn't know how to go to the grocery store juggling all three kids, or how to take a daily shower were no longer things I could currently relate to.  Labor is cheaper here and people love to serve, so there always seems to be extra hands to help watch my kids so I can go to the store on my own or take a daily shower without a fight.

The change in rules revealed that although I assumed all of my preferences were based on Scripture, they were instead merely inspired by Scripture.  Sure I could have given a proof text to tell you why I kept my babies on a nap schedule and let them cry it out. But once the rules changed on me and nap schedules were no longer the norm or possibility, I was at a loss of what the bible reallly says.  It was like I had cut out all of the application sections of sermons and taped them into my personal rule book and I threw out the rest of the sermon.  I knew the application and do's and don'ts but I couldn't tell you the purpose, aim or goal.

When the rules changed and my true dependency was revealed, it highlighted the simplicity of the Word of God.  I have hungered for the Word of God like nothing else since the rules changed on me.  My rules were built on Scripture but they were supported by American culture.  My weakness and failures in being a wife and mother have created a thirst and hunger in me for the Word of God.  I am no longer satisfied with mommy blogs that give 10 easy steps to a organize home sprinkled with bible verses.  Don't tell me how to vaccum my carpet or wipe out my fridge in order to reveal my faithfulness.  Tell me about my God.  Tell me about who He is, His promises, faithfulness, steadfastness and relentless pursuit of His children.  My dependency has created a hunger and thirst in my soul.

My biggest fight is against myself.  Fighting against guilt that stands to accuse of me failure since I no longer play according to the American rules.  Then I fight against the mindgames in my head, I desire to want to embrace my new culture and play by their rules, but then guilt that I am violating my American standards I built my independency on creeps into my head.  I was oh so independent in being a wife and mother back in the States, because I knew the rules of the game and I was pretty good at playing.  But now when failures at my roles, duties and tasks try to accuse me of guilt I retreat.   And when I retreat I wonder if it's okay or if I am looking for refuge and relief outside of my Savior.

But my guilt brings me back to my Savior.  My dependency creates a thirst and hunger in my soul for Scripture alone.  And the fight of guilt causes me to run to my Savior.  

I am not a good wife and mother.  And the guilt and dependency that results from my failures of not knowing how to play by the rules in my new country, leaves me needy and hungy for my Savior.  And when I am satisfied in my Savior alone, it makes the whole fight worth it.  Praise God.