How I feel about moving overseas

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Allan and I made the decision to pursue full time ministry overseas back in 2009.  That was B.C., “before children”. Since then our family has expanded and we have been blessed with three boys.  So far our pursuit of ministry in the Philippines has always been a desire we aimed for, but never a reality.  And now, 5 years later, our long journey is finally turning into a reality and we are starting to make plans to move.

It is funny to see the different response between Allan and myself.  Allan is eager and excited, like a kid who has been told he gets to go to Disneyland and he can’t sleep over the excitement that awaits him.  My response is quite opposite.  I guess if I had to summarize in one word what I feel like it would be “sober”.  A common question I receive from others when they hear our family is going to move overseas is, “how do you feel, are you excited?”  No, I cannot honestly describe how I feel as “excited”.

My feelings are mixed.  If I think long enough I can easily work myself up in anxious thought and tell you various things I am afraid of in moving overseas.  And if I allow myself I can easily get sorrowful over many things we are leaving behind.  For me, I am moving to a foreign country.  Foreign.  A place I am not familiar with, to an unknown land.

My initial response is to try to control the uncontrollable, to answer the unknown, and to fight my fluctuating emotions.  One way I have done this is by listing all of my fears and then trying to rationally approach each of them.  (I am not going to list my fears here because I know as a reader you too will also try and approach them rationally and explain them away.)  This helps to a point, but the thing about fear is that it is often irrational and based on the imagination and not based on reality.  Then it hit me this week what I have been trying to do.  I have been trying to form expectations.

If you have followed my blog for any period of time you probably quickly  saw a common tendency I have is to worship the idol of control.  It has popped up in various areas of my life; birth plan, adjusting to a newborn, diagnosing food allergies are just a few I have shared here in previous posts.  And moving overseas is no different.  In trying to answer the unknown and rationalize my fears I realize what I am actually trying to do is form expectations.

I like to be in control.  In order to be in control I have to be both all knowing and all wise.  And that is exactly what I have been trying to do with my fluctuating emotions, gain knowledge and wisdom on how to handle them.  I want to know what to expect, because once I know exactly what to expect then I will be in control.

But God is gracious and merciful.  He is kind and tenderhearted.  Because in the trials of life I don't have to spend my energy seeking answers and finding out how to control my circumstances...no, instead I need to spend my energy seeking and drawing near to my God! For in the trials of life I am in need of endurance and perseverance, not answers.  When I draw near and hold fast to my Lord and God, then He will be faithful to strengthen my faith so that whatever trials come my way I am anchored in my Savior.

What about your future makes you anxious? What are the "wants" connected to those fears? Take heart, there is a way to be released from the captive hold those unanswered wants have on your heart and mind! Psalm 23:1 says I shall not want when the Lord is my Shepherd! What comfort! And Hebrews 11:6 promises rewards for those who draw near and seek the Lord.

To prepare my mind for victory, so as to not be tossed to and fro in the upcoming move overseas to so many unknowns, I am making a conscious effort to gird up my mind with truth (Ephesians 6).  Instead of spending my efforts trying to form expectations for each of my anxieties, I am going to spend my efforts girding up my belt with Truth, seeking to know my God better and the inheritance I have in Him!  And instead of being tossed to and fro fighting my fluctuating emotions I am going to rest and anchor my soul in the Savior. 

For once my soul is anchored in my Savior, then I will have a gentle and quiet spirit and be able to answer with a resounding “YES! I am excited at what awaits me overseas in the Philippines because I KNOW my God.”