Restless and Aimless

I am in one of those moods, where I feel as though I should be doing something more… but I am not.  One of those moods where I reflect and realize I could have done something differently… but I did not.  Those moods where I would be doing something more except for the long list of justifications for… why not. 

Should have, could have, would have.

As I sit and reflect on my current situation and the daily routine of life, I am wondering if I am thinking too much?  Worried that I am comparing myself to others and the invisible standard that I have set for myself.  Anxious that I am excusing my guilt rather than turning and repenting from my guilt.

Guilt.

You are probably wondering what exactly I am talking about.  And to be honest, I don’t really know myself.  Ha ha… I guess just the weariness of routine and the monotonous daily activities of being a wife and mother.  The lack of motivation to try harder or do more.  Just content with daily living where nothing seems urgent or necessary, so I can just push it off to another day.

Someone made a passing comment that pediatricians recommend that your children only watch “X” amount of television each day.  My kids watch more.  Thus, guilt fuels my preoccupation to make my kids do something else more productive.

Cluttered drawers and closets, stuffed with things we no longer need.  A passing blog post about a de-clutter challenge to organize your home shows up in my facebook fed.  Thus, guilt pressures me with the need to purge and organize so that others may see and praise my abilities to rise up and meet the standard.

Confusing the important with the urgent.  Lacking motivation to do the important things and responding only to the urgent things in this monotonous stage of life where nothing seems urgent so I often do nothing at all.  So guilt appears as I reflect on the seemingly fruitlessness of my daily efforts, as I slowly give up and say “who cares and why does it even matter?”

Happy Hippo, Angry Duck

By Sandra Boynton

Hello, Little Person! How are you today?

Is your mood quite terrific or only okay?

Are you happy as a hippo? Or angry as a duck?

Maybe sad as a chicken? (can you sadly say “cluck cluck”?)

Are you grumpy as a moose? Or excited as a dog?

Worried as a rabbit? Contented as a frog?

Perhaps, like a pig, you are sweetly amused.

Or perhaps, like a cow, you’re completely confused.

You might feel that, somehow, you’ve lost all your fizz.

Or you’re frazzled like a…um… frazzled thing.  (I’m not sure what it is.)

Well, I hope you are happy.  But if you are not,

you have friends who will help you.  We like you a lot.

And a difficult mood is not here to stay. 

Everyone’s moods will change day to day.

Unless you’re that duck.  He’s always this way.

Why are my moods tossed to and fro?  Why are my thoughts preoccupied with each passing statement about my role and calling as a wife and mother?  How can I keep from becoming that duck?  True my mood will change daily but how can I anchor my soul to keep it grounded in the Word rather than tossed about in the wisdom of the world?

I need to flee for refuge in my Savior, for I need the promises of God to anchor my soul.

“we who have fled for refuge might have strong encouragement to hold fast to the hope set before us. We have this as a sure and steadfast anchor of the soul, a hope that enters into the inner place behind the curtain, where Jesus has gone as a forerunner on our behalf, having become a high priest forever after the order of Melchizedek.” Hebrews 6:18-20

My dear friend, remembering God’s promises will get you through your dark parenting moments.  You will need to know and cling to the truths of God’s Word. (Motherhood: Hope for Discouraged Moms by Brenda Payne)

I have not been viewing my circumstances and role with biblical lenses.  As a result my focus is distorted.  I need to

receive [God’s] words
    and treasure up [His] commandments,
making [my] ear attentive to wisdom
    and inclining [my] heart to understanding;
yes, if [I] call out for insight
    and raise [my] voice for understanding,
if [I] seek it like silver
    and search for it as for hidden treasures,
then [I] will understand the fear of the Lord
    and find the knowledge of God. (Proverbs 2:1-6)

Yes, this is the promise of God.  And this is the anchor that will bring rest to my soul and direction to my walk in life.  I will trust the promises of God, for in them I have hope.