My Pursuit of Joy

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My younger son, Trevor, just recently turned 1.  So I began weaning him from nursing to regular milk.  The process was relatively easy and pain free.  Trevor was quite happy to drink his milk from a sippy cup and didn’t complain one bit!  So in a matter of a few weeks or so he was weaned.  Just as planned.  What I didn’t plan was the emotional changes I would experience.

First were the outbursts of anger.  Then tears.  And finally the overwhelming and seemingly unexplainable feelings of depression.  I did not make the connection between my heightened emotions and the adjustment of my hormones from weaning my son, that is not until someone mentioned it to me.

Adjusting hormones is NOT an excuse to sin, nor does it justify my wrong behavior.  But it does offer some explanation as to why the battle in my mind to think on truth has been more difficult lately.  You would think that the connection would ease my mind a little, offering one reason why I am not completely crazy.  Instead it did the opposite, I was even more sad and introspective as I realized,

“I struggle with depression.”

I heard a recent quote from Martin Luther which says, “Sin is man curved in on self.”  And that is exactly where I was, curved in on myself.  Several thoughts filtered through my mind.  I questioned God’s sovereign plan to allow this struggle.  I questioned God’s goodness to orchestrate these events and timing in my life.  As I began to question God something began to occur, I began to get restless.  The restlessness turned to discontentness over the roles and relationships in my life.  Discontentness grew to envy, covetness, and greed thinking I was all sovereign and knew what was best for my life.

After a couple weeks of this thought pattern I grew tired and exhausted.  I was tired of myself and disgusted with my own mind.  As I began more acquainted and aware of each aspect and nuance of my sin it made me more restless.  Then my loving husband reminded me:

“Hope (and joy) can only be found outside of you... if you only look inward, you'll be more and more depressed (and that's a general truth because of our fallen condition -- this isn't just limited to hormones)."

If all sin is ultimately a battle in our mind, I am eager to engage in that battle with my Sword of the Spirit by the enablement of the promises of God.  Okay, so I might struggle with depression more than most people but who says I am all knowing to say that is not for my ultimate good?  With repentance, God can and will use all of these things to shape and mold me more into Christ’s image.  Being fully acquainted with my own sin will NOT give any one else hope.  But being fully acquainted with my Savior will!

My pursuit of joy is basically my pursuit of Christ.  I tend towards introspection, wanting to fully understand the working of my sin, and before I know it I am turned in on myself and depressed at what I see!  Instead I want to be turned in on Christ. – embracing with full trust who He is, so that in turn I will experience joy and rest.

No one changes in the abstract, but only in the concrete.  So here is my first step towards my pursuit of joy, acknowledging gratitude towards God’s blessings in my life, and foremost is my husband Allan.

I am thankful for a husband who cares for my inner soul, putting aside his agenda and desires for the day when he sees that my mind has been turned in on self and captured by hoplessness.  He freely and regularly gives himself up to remind me of my hope and rest in our Savior.  The Lord’s work in my husband’s life is my husband’s most attractive quality.  He understands the gospel better than anyone I know and he is the most humble and kindness person I know never expecting to be served or praised.  He understands the entanglements and allurements of my heart and the ugliness of my sin does not make him weary because he is grounded in the gospel.  I am truly a blessed woman!  

I hope to use my blog more to record God's work and blessings in my life, to concretely acknowledge the greatness of my God and Savior.  The allurements of the world may tug at my soul, telling me that my marriage does not mirror the romantic butterflies of novels and big screens, thus breeding discontentness and envy.  But when I look outside of myself and ground my soul in the Word (by help and reminder from my loving husband) I know I have been immensely blessed by the marriage to the wonderful man, Allan Luciano!