Waiting

I am now officially two days past my due date. And so far all I know is that I am very impatient. I have been eager and anticipating the birth of Trevor now for the past several weeks. Every new discomfort or change in my body I try to interpret and wonder, “is this it?” My mind is consumed most of the day trying to figure out how God is going to ordain all of the circumstances of the birth. Where will I be when I go into labor? What time of day will it be? Will Allan and myself be over the cold we have? What nurse will be on duty, will she be favorable and nice to my desires?
So this morning I realized I was burning myself out with trying to figure out the unknown. And if I didn’t orientate my mind on Truth then I was going to drive myself crazy.

A certain verse has come up a couple times over the past month in different circumstances. Once it came up in the reading of the book Trusting God by Jerry Bridges, and another time in a recent sermon by Carey Hardy given at my church. The verse is Romans 8:33, “Oh, the depth of the riches and wisdom of God! How unsearchable are his judgments and how inscrutable his ways!” God’s ways are untraceable. When I heard that verse and the word “untraceable” I thought of a connect the dot picture puzzle. Where at first all you see are a lot of random dots, but then with enough effort you can follow the instructions and connect the dots and figure out the image. That is what I was trying to do with my waiting, trying to figure out all of the circumstances that would work together to bring about my desired outcome. But God’s Word tells me that is impossible! Even as I look back at the circumstances and outcome of my first labor and birth, I cannot trace out all of what God ordained. Sure, I can tell you some good lessons I learned, but I cannot tell you why each circumstance happened as it did.

A couple weeks ago Allan and I were driving home from church when I told him I was scared and sad. He asked why. I told him because the due date of Trevor was approaching I as far as I could tell I was still struggling with the same temptations, doubts, fear, and unbelief as I did during Jakob’s labor and birth. I told him that made me sad because I was really hoping I would learn from that and I was initially eager for Trevor’s birth because I was hoping my outlook would be different. In spite of my unbelief, God was at work in the circumstances, and even delaying Trevor’s birth to address my struggles.

That conversation came to mind this morning when I realized I was consumed and overwhelmed and burnt out on waiting and trying to trace out the unknown circumstances of Trevor’s birth. I knew I needed to renew my mind with Truth, but I wasn’t exactly sure what. So I sent an urgent message to Allan, asking him to pray for me because I was starting to feel hopeless. I did searches on biblegateway for “waiting on the Lord”. I turned to the concordance of my bible looking for any key words that might pertain to my issue. That is when I came across this quote from the girltalk blog:

"Waiting on God isn't about the suspension of meaning and purpose. It's part of the meaning and purpose that God has brought into my life. Waiting on God isn't to be viewed as an obstruction in the way of the plan. Waiting is an essential part of the plan. For the child of God, waiting isn't simply about what I'll receive at the end of my wait. No, waiting is much more purposeful, efficient, and practical than that. Waiting is fundamentally about what I'll become as I wait. God is using the wait to do in and through me exactly what He's promised. Through the wait He's changing me. By means of the wait He's altering the fabric of my thoughts and desires. Through the wait He's causing me to see and experience new things about Him and His kingdom. And all of this sharpens me, enabling me to be a more useful tool in His redemptive hands". Paul Tripp”

Although I cannot trace out all of God’s ways, this verse did make me stop and give thanks to God for delaying the birth of Trevor. It is evident that my anxious impatient heart has not yet come to rest on it’s Savior, and the supposed “delay” (as I initially saw it) was an essential part of the plan, so that I can renew my mind and focus it on Truth. So I have read some more, looking for Truth, here are some initially things that have helped me begin to refocus my mind as I wait:

* “Burnout is not a mysterious ‘illness’; it is the depression that results when we fail to handle extended pressures biblically.” – Jim Berg (from an article in Journal of Biblical Counseling)

* “God never intended for man to be able to handle the pressures of life on his own (Matt. 4:4; John 15:4-6; 2 Cor. 3:5, 4:7).” – Jim Berg (from an article in Journal of Biblical Counseling)

* “You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you.” Isaiah 26:3

* “Fear No, for I am with you; be not dismayed (do not anxiously look about you), for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” Isaiah 41:10 (my good friend, Bernie’s labor verse)

* I came across a line in a hymn that I liked. The hymn is “Day by Day” and the line quotes Deuteronomy 33:25 which says, “as your days, so shall your strength be.” I was excited by such a promise, that I would have strength for each day of my waiting! But then I was disappointed when I looked at the context of the verse, it was given as a blessing to the tribe of Asher. I was talking with Allan about my disappointment about not being able to claim that promise for my own without taking it out of context. And he gracious reminded me that my promise is much better than the one given to the tribe of Asher! I have the Holy Spirit, part of the holy trinity Himself living inside of me! And that is God’s Helper and promise to me for each day of waiting.

* Lastly, waiting is a little easier with my daily bowl of ice cream. A “good source of calcium” my mother-in-law told me. So I enjoy my bowl of vanilla ice cream with chocolate syrup "clucked style" as I wait.

I am still learning and gathering Truths to meditate on. But these are just a start and a brief glance of how my Savior is answering my cry for help and gently leading me in His ways.