It's Tuesday on this side of the globe, and Monday on the other. It is about a month out from when our family returns for a 6-month furlough. When missionaries come back on furlough you don't always see much of the process and the behind the scenes of what it took for them to uproot their lives and replant it temporarily overseas. Instead you get a nice email announcing where and when they will be with and an invitation of wanting to meet up with you while they are back. But I always wondered about the behind the scenes aspect. Surely it must be hard to just stop your lives and travel half-way around the globe, right?
I like to write because it helps me process the many thoughts in my mind. It allows me to organize my thoughts and release them. But I have learned the best way to release them is with a purpose. Without a purpose, my writing can easily become an emotional dump akin to a junior highers diary. And recently I have had many many emotions, so I have been hesitant on writing because that line is fine between a helpful organized release and an emotional dump. My husband has recently commented that my greatest strength is also my greatest weakness. Stating it in a positive light, he told me I have a powerful mind. But that is also my greatest weakness, as introspectiveness and despair creep in when my focus becomes fixed on my circumstances. So even though my mind has been flooded with emotions and thoughts begging to be released onto paper, I have been hesitant because I am not sure what my purpose would be in writing and sharing that all with you.
I have always been late in seeing the ramifications change has in my life. I did not cry at my graduation because it was simply good-bye, as I was still with my friends in the moment of the goodbye so no need to cry as I didn't have time to miss them yet. It wasn't until much later, after months had passed, that I cried when I realized I no longer had those friendships in the same way. So in some ways I think planning furlough is bringing up delayed emotions from changes that occurred three years ago when we left LAX bound for Manila.
Some people have commented that they thought I would be a good missionary because I could eat Filipino food and enjoy it. ha ha! I always thought that was a funny comment because if my greatest strength was that I could pour extra fish sauce on my food, that wasn't going to get me far. Instead I always thought I would make a bad missionary because I don't handle change well. Change makes me think too much, and when I think too much I get introspective, and when I get introspective I focus only on myself and see my weaknesses and failures, and when one is consumed with only them self it is a depressing thing indeed!
So change is coming in less than a month and my emotions are begging to be directed towards something. Feelings building up and beseeching me to release them towards a target. I must release them on something, Someone, outside of myself. I must find refuge for my emotions so that the inner buildup does not spiral into despair. And lately I have found music to be a beautiful bridge to such a release.
Theologically sound worship music and hymns is a wonderful combination of directing emotions towards right thinking. Music is a purposeful target that allows emotions to be expressed with the constraints of truth. Knowing my tendency towards feeling too much and allowing emotions to control my focus, I mistakenly thought that the answer was to stop all emotions and instead think on truth. But having lots of emotions without proper direction only increases them all the more. Instead, I think emotions do not need to be stopped, but rather directed. And theologically sound worship music and hymns is a purposeful outlet.
So now my step is a bit lighter as my emotions and thoughts are released, guided and directed through song, rather than building up weight on my shoulders. That hunger and thirst to search out biblical truth is once again my appetite. Searching for truth to release my pent up thoughts, reminding me of the goodness, providence, and compassion of my God by helping me place my circumstances in light of eternity rather than storing them in the darkness of my mind.
Time to go, I need to sing.
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