I have been itching to write a post. But about what exactly? I didn't have a clear topic or purpose for writing, so I delayed. Having a purpose to each blog post helps hold me accountable so I don't just let my mind wander and turn into alphabet soup solidified on a webpage. The desire to write has been constant and persuasive lately. Even dreaming of excuses (maybe write a book?) just so I can discipline my thoughts. So, I decided to finally give in and write a short post about... about.... well let's just call it an update post for requirement purposes. When thoughts are left in my head they easily get themselves into trouble. But the process of gathering those thoughts, lining them up and giving them order really keeps them from wandering into the land of what if's and if only's in my mind. Once in that land it is hard to get them out.
So this is an update, huh? Well the update is we started homeschooling yesterday and today was day 2. This is neither the time nor place to go into my methods, plans or personal convictions of homeschooling. Plus I don't really want to become a homeschool blogger. But since it is indeed a major change in my family's life and my job description as a mother, I did want to get my thoughts out and onto paper. Especially since I am tempted towards anxious during seasons of change.
So far so good, I think. And I have many different things I could write about. I could tell you about how I decided to organize my week. Or I could tell you about the curriculum I chose. Or perhaps you want to know about my struggles and my plans to overcome them? All of those things would take up their own blog post. But no, I do not want to tell you about that. Instead the thought I want to remove from my mind and get onto paper is that it is okay to be me.
It is okay to be American. It is okay that I have preferences, opinions, strengths and weakness. And it is okay to make decisions that would best benefit those areas in my life. And realizing that has given me excitement and freedom and a spark of joy.
Under the mask of preferring others above myself, I thought that meant I had to totally ignore my own desires, my own strengths and weakness, my own preferences. And then moving to another country, that skewed idea was amplified to another level as I was introduced to a whole other smorgasbord of presences and and methods. It was frustrating and depressing to constantly try to live up to other preferences, often time not even knowing for sure exactly what the preference of others is but instead living under assumption and imagination.
It is like knowing my weakness is potato chips. And in all reality, I would really love not to have potato chips in my house. That is my preference, that is my desire. When chips are not in my house then my struggles are less and my strength is increased to not eat the potato chips. But instead.... I line all of my cupboards and closets with bags of potato chips, because that is what I think is the preference of others. So I suffer and struggle trying to ignore the chips, but they are everywhere and I can't escape. If only I was more like others who are not tempted by potato chips. And it leaves me defeated and wondering why.
Okay maybe not the greatest or clearest example, but I hope it gives some insight. I have placed unnecessary burden and suffering on myself by trying to ignore my weaknesses, my strengths and my background. I like order. I like planning. I get a sense of excitement by cleaning out my purse. I get a thrill by buying a new planner for the year, and then an even greater one when I fill it up. Seeing a nicely orderly calendar and schedule brings me a level of peace and a sigh of relief. I have thought at one time if I ever needed a career outside of the house that perhaps I could become a professional organizer. I grew up in a home where efficiency, time, discipline and organization were taught and modeled. And yet... I have been trying to ignore all of that and live in a house full of potato chips.
And homeschooling for two days has taught me that I don't need to do that. It was through homeschooling that I saw it is okay to be me. It is okay to choose the easier path where I know I won't struggle as much or be tempted. You see I was originally planning to homeschool in a method and system that lined my cupboards, drawers, closets and shelves with potato chips. So.many.chips. And I was doing so all under the mask of righteousness, because I thought I was "preferring others". But my loving husband knows me. He knows my weakness and temptations. He has seen me suffer and he rescued me from the chips. He said, "All of the chips must go!" I cried tears of happiness hearing my husband acknowledge my weakness and make a decision to help me and not burden me.
So that's the update. We are homeschooling without potato chips, and that makes me happy and free! It is okay to be me.
No comments:
Post a Comment